navigating without a compass.

zoe is three. and three can be hard for me sometimes. you always hear -- "the terrible twos" so at two i was just kind of waiting. and thinking, what about this is terrible? of course there were meltdowns and tantrums and difficult moments, but i certainly wouldn't classify it as terrible. my mom would tell me how she thought three was so much worse than two, but for some reason i thought that maybe i'd just get lucky. i survived the twos, and i thought i just must have an angel of a child. and i do... but. wow. you all know i love my girl. i don't need to make myself feel less guilty by talking about all the amazing things about her. because i do see them, i really do. but we all have bad days. and today was one.

it goes from the simplicity of no and redirecting and living in this moment-to-moment world, to having in depth conversations about why and why not and how and justifications and manipulations... and when the hell did my toddler become a teenager? when did she start selectively listening to what she felt like responding to and go from being an angel one second to completely losing it like she just slipped into the seventh circle of hell? what just happened?

and i'm not saying two is easy. i'm not trying to downplay how difficult it is to be the sleep deprived mom of an infant. or the ever-vigilant mom of an 18 month old who you have to keep from accidentally killing themselves every 14 seconds. it's all hard, it all has it's challenges. and i know i'm only just getting started. i'm just in a new one, that's all. one that i guess i wasn't ready for. (are we ever ready?) a stage i feel like i'm navigating through with a dim flashlight, in a dark cave, with lots of potholes. and some cracks in the ceiling where this beautiful golden light pours through and i feel so alive and balanced and connected and awestruck. and they are the most beautiful moments ever. but i mean, i will be walking along - some days having that "i got this" feeling, other days i feel like the most clueless, fumbling mom to walk the earth. and i try to remember the ebb and flow, right? and i try to breathe.

i'm forever both grateful and annoyed at the fact that motherhood makes you question yourself constantly. the persistent inner dialogue -- am i doing this right? am i doing it good enough? what am i doing wrong? why is my kid being mean right now? i'm really not a mean person. i don't talk to her like that; why is she being so mean to her baby dolls? why'd she just yell at her friend with that growling voice? how'd she even make that sound? what can i do to make it better? how can i be better?

and i try to surrender to the path of motherhood that is in front of me, and remember that sometimes i can't see the light pouring through the ceiling but that it will again. and on the dark days that i've stumbled and fell and scraped my knee and cried and felt overwhelmed and lost and scared... all i can do is pick myself up and put one foot in front of the other. i do know that some days are better than others. and that all pain is temporary. it's a phase.... i am both comforted by that and simultaneously think -- damn, why is it that right when i get acquainted to one phase, the tablecloth gets ripped out from under me, and it's an entirely new deal to navigate with no warning. i get it (or do i?) pain is our teacher, knocking on the proverbial door and asking us to see the light pouring in -- in our minds -- when maybe it's not actually happening in our physical world.

we have to create it. and some days it's so hard to see. and it's hard to get comfortable in a place where not much feels constant, other than change. i guess we have to create the constant in our minds, in our hearts. our safe place to go that is changeless. to be able to access it on a dime is the tricky part. when i can recognize that i'm losing control, that i'm allowing whatever energy is testing me, or us, to take over -- is when i get frustrated. i feel like i should be able to see that every time, and that i'm the adult in the situation, right? i should be able to stay calm and know all of these things. but some days i just don't. some weeks i just don't.

i'm working on being okay with that. with forgiving myself for the fact that i don't always have it, i don't always do my best (that's the hardest for me), and i don't always know what the best thing to do is. i'm working on surrendering to the fact that i am not the perfect mom, and i make mistakes, and when i feel judged maybe it's because i'm judging myself. and all i can do is be honest, and open, and accept myself for all of me. even the part that feels lost and scared in the motherhood cave.

sometimes i just need to trust the path a little more -- get back up when i fall. take a deep breath when i lose my way. let myself recharge. (try again to) start anew in new moments. seek to see love when i am scared. because the sun does always come up. and the light will always pour through the cracks, even when you can't see around that corner. i may not know anything for sure, but i know that. i just need to remember to trust it. trust myself. and forgive myself for all the things that i could have done differently, or better, or with more patience, or more wisdom. because i'm learning, and i'm not perfect. and because -- all we can ever really do is just not be so hard on ourselves. try to be kinder to ourselves and give ourselves a little more love.

so if this found any one of you in a similar frame of mind, i give you a really warm smile and a big, long hug. a cup of tea and a comfy couch and a cozy blanket. and maybe some tissues. you are not alone on this wild and beautiful and challenging and ever-changing journey. and neither am i, so thank you.

let go and flow.

heard this quote the other day & think of it often now. i love it.

"the most powerful way to manifest is through subtle intention and choiceless awareness—intend to let go and flow." -- deepak chopra

from zoe's very first brush stroke, she has decided that her painting mission is to mix all the available colors to make BROWN - her "favorite color" (only when she's painting). she was feeling the painting itch so i got got out a canvas (one of the 15 that i bought in a value pack when i was going to make everyone's christmas gifts and then realized it was december 22nd and i hadn't started). she used all of these bright beautiful colors and then she stopped. we had wooden letters (also left over from christmas crafts that never got finished) so we added it to the middle. it is my new favorite piece of zoe art.



i could honestly watch her paint all day. her stillness. her intention. it was one of those mom moments where i studied every freckle, the precise color of her hair when the sun hits it, the way that her brow furrows when she concentrates, the fine pieces of golden hair that fall in front of her eyes. her creamy perfect skin. i wanted to bottle up that moment.

here's where i thought we might just keep going until we had a thick, gloopy, brown canvas. but i was wrong!

a beautiful mix if you ask me.

 ta daaaaa! isn't it lovely? it hangs right next to our refrigerator. and when i look at the random and beautiful chaos of 6 different colors blended together with no distinguishable plan... it reminds me to let go. kid painting + affirmations might be my new favorite thing.

one.

there is nobody to blame/

nothing to fear/
nowhere to hide/
no secret to keep.

there is one Love

one light/
one heart/
one body/
one privilege/
one source/
one family.

via art of attention - so much gratitude for this woman.

happy heart.

that moment when zoe realizes that her dad is home. dogs barking and leaping four feet in the air in the door way, the door opens, she squeals "daaadddddyyyyyy!!!" and bounds into his arms. and it's the most tender embrace. i melt. today i just happened to be holding my camera when he walked in.
so glad i was. 

juicing - day one.

the concept of juicing has always intrigued me. i love naked juice and would love to make something that delicious on my own. today was day one of our juicing attempts and it went really well! i was surprised how easy it is to do and to clean up and how yummy random things like cucumbers, celery, apples, oranges, and carrots can taste together.

these were our first cups:

cheers! [the color could be more desirable but... it was delicious, so who cares?]

plus, if a 3 year old will eat that many veggies and fruits in one sitting, it's a pretty sweet deal.

overall - win.

and time stood still.

reflections, resolutions, and making the best of what's around.

the first of january has come and gone. in fact, almost two months have passed since i've written at all. i'm not one for dramatic new years resolutions but do love everything about new years. new days. new moments, in fact. i become pretty reflective when i find myself in a new year and i think a lot about what i do, what i love, and how i can do it better. how i can be more present and grateful and aware and how i can take what i've learned and where i am to continue the climb (up, up, up). i'm the type of person who always self evaluates and always wants more for myself. this is both a blessing and a curse, because i'm also hardly ever satisfied. i'm hard on myself, but when i find myself being too hard on myself, i try to at least make it productive.

my main resolution, which i decided on a few weeks before new years and made guidelines and parameters and boundaries for - is, in a sentence, to never be too busy to spend time with the people i love. the past couple of years i've taken on far too much work. i've said yes entirely too many times and stretched myself too thin. among being too busy, at times, to just BE with the people i love... i also end up exhausted, a little bitter, uninspired, and upset with myself that i don't have better boundaries. so that will be different in 2012. and i'm so happy about it. i've created boundaries that making saying no a no-brainer. i won't list them all but i've created a schedule of sorts so that i have lots more time to be with, take care of, and cherish my family and myself. it's so important. nurturing yourself and your personal work is so essential and important to staying inspired and loving what you do, anyhow, so i think it can only do good things for my work too - so cheers to that!

the past couple days, i've of course been thinking of resolutions i could have made. or changes i've been meaning to work on. and then i realized that just because it's not new years day anymore doesn't mean i still can't. i can change anything i want, any day that i want to change it. that's the beauty of free will, right?

on new years eve i was feverishly packing for a trip to mexico. i was sad about leaving zoe and as usual had waited until the last possible second to get everything together. i was cycling laundry and creating piles and making lists and simultaneously putting all that off to steal another minute with zoe before she went to bed. we were leaving before she'd wake up in the morning so the nighttime were our last moments before we'd leave and wouldn't see her for a week. i don't know that we've ever gone that long without seeing her. even our honeymoon wasn't that long. so i was anxious and a bit sad but really excited. we finished everything and watched the ball drop, felt old watching lady gaga look really outrageous and dick clarke, so orange. we kissed when the clock struck midnight which was slightly awkward with my mom sitting right there (she was spending the night to be with zoe in the morning). it was all hilariously perfect in it's own right. but what i'm saying is - midnight was kind of anti-climactic with all the other things that were going on, plus i already had my 'resolution.'

so while i'm typically wildly reflective on new years eve and new years day i was busy preparing for mexico and then new years day we were traveling and getting settled. so it hasn't been until now that i'm really reviewing the past year and thinking about the new one. i can say, fairly certainly, that 2011 was the most challenging year of my life. and i've learned a lot. grown a lot. cried a lot. laughed a lot. a lot has happened that has shaped the way that i think and the way that i choose to move forward. and mostly, the choice to let go and live.

things have changed for me - from friendships to my relationship with myself. so maybe i'm the different one - i've craved more and more solitude. kind of connecting with my inner introvert and pulling a lot of energy from quiet contemplation and less from socializing. it's been a shift that i've enjoyed, although when friendships and people change, i have a hard time with that, because i do enjoy the comfort, familiarity, and tradition of loving and knowing people. i've always been told that as you grow up, your friends are fewer and farther between. for some silly reason, i thought i'd be an exception to that rule. i have friends from since i was a baby, and pride myself on keeping in touch with everyone i ever loved. in 2012, i'm going to try not to focus so much on what has changed and how my friendships with some of my closest friends are different in a way that i can't seem to understand - but maybe how that evolution is supposed to be that way. and that's okay too. ebb and flow, baby.

and speaking of ebb and flow -- one of the greatest lessons i've learned this year from which i created an affirmation that i literally repeat at LEAST five times a day. behold:

i trust the ebb and flow of life, love, and relationships. 

seriously. so powerful. try it on.

while i'm on this stream of consciousness ramble, another thought - i want need to do more yoga. i got into a work out kick, burned myself out, and dropped it. and then i remember that stretching, deep breathing, mindful poses, and remembering to be present to stillness --- that's all that's ever worked for me. maybe i'm never going to be a bodypump girl, or a kickboxer, a weighlifter, or a runner (although i'd really like to be, because pushing through discomfort to move forward and achieve a goal is similar in a meditative way and really appeals to me) --- yoga and meditation, it's what i always come back to. it always works. i always feel my best when i'm creating some devotional time. to the quiet peaceful voice within my chaotic mind and igniting all the ligaments of my body with the energy that flows so powerfully when i practice yoga. point after ramble: i want to do this more in 2012. like three to four times a week kind of more. cheers, again. (wish i had a mimosa).

and finally, to write. maybe not every single day, but most days. not always pages of mind cleaning (like today), maybe just a sentence, or just a word. maybe just a picture, and a thought. but something... maybe i should try to do it every single day. and just see what happens. okay, every day but sunday. done. thanks for helping me make that one, little blog. that was cool. and if i want to write on sunday, i can. (fear of commitment, much?)

that was helpful. i loved that. i'm glad this place is here. i hope anyone who this reaches is finding themselves renewed and refreshed in this brand new year and inspired by not just the new year but the power to choose in each new moment - breathe, start again. choose love.

i love you all. xo.