ready shmeady.

damn. i forgot again. i have been so consumed with life and all of it's little intricacies that i've forgotten about writing for the most part. i kind of suck at that! suddenly, i found myself with a moment alone, listening to the decemberists on pandora and reading a new blog that inspired me when i yelled out "no fucking thanks!" to my dogs who continue to do these high-pitched yappy barks at each and every squirrel and car that may drive within a mile of our house. i find it extremely liberating to say, or even more satisfying, to yell obscenities when i'm home alone or when zoe is asleep. it feels good. but anyway, i suddenly was like -- i should write!

it's in random moments like these that bring up the urge for me to purge my mind. don't ask why. maybe just because i'm alone and that really hasn't happened lately... at all. it feels nice. plus i have a pack of reese's peanut butter eggs next to me (thank you liam) holding me over until my mexican dinner with a couple of my favorite girlfriends, so i'm basically in pregnant heaven.

so, i'm officially "full term." YEEHAW! which means, that really at any moment i could go into labor. i doubt it'll happen until at least my due date (in about two and a half weeks) or later but, IT COULD. which is the crazy part. i haven't been nesting at all the past few weeks -- only really tired and eating my body weight in food daily, allowing my laundry to pile up, never finishing my to do lists, and hardly stepping foot in the dude's room to finish the nursery that surely he won't sleep in for the first few months (this is how i justify why there is still painters tape and ladders and things meant to be hung leaning against the walls). i'm constantly being asked if i'm ready... and i say different things that mostly mean -- not really. but are we ever really ready? i don't think so.



[BAM! there he is. almost 38 weeks. i get comments ranging from 'WOW he's huge' to 'you're so tiny!' to 'i can see that your face is fatter!' which brings me to my PSA -- especially to women who have been pregnant -- do you not remember being pregnant? no pregnant woman wants to be told how "huge" she is or how "fat" she looks. for the love.]

anyway, back to the ready thing. so, then i think about it and i think that in many ways i'm more ready than i was last time. and in many ways i'm not. since it's been a good four and a half years since i've done this, and i don't have the best memory in the world, there is a lot that i just plain don't remember. i've heard it's like riding a bike, and luckily i can awkwardly pick that back up and eventually ride in a somewhat straight line without falling. so, i'm hoping this will work out similarly.

the anxieties of being a new mom aren't really there this time, which is nice. anxiety of any kind is not my favorite thing but something that i struggle with in a lot of areas of my life. i'm not really obsessing over having everything in the right place but more in spending time with my family in this way that i know will soon change. i'm cherishing the moments alone with zoe and am happy when she picks out longer books at bedtime or comes into our bed in the middle of the night to "lay with me for a second" (aka all night) or asks me to play candy land with her or if she can help me cook -- i know that it's the uninterrupted moments of snuggling and spending quality time that may look a little different here shortly.



she is such a treasure.

and jesse. ohhhhh, i love that man. these may be the most romantic months we've shared in a long time. he is so sweet and thoughtful and gentle and just... the best man i could hope for. the little things he does for me and the way he holds me (whale-ish and all) and all of our conversations about life and love and parenting and the future and most importantly, the PRESENT. and we have really just been soaking in our time alone together, too. of course we know, one day, we'll have it again but i imagine the 2AM wake ups and the tired days and the bassinet next to our bed for months and how different our life looked when zoe came into it, and how different it will look again soon. don't get me wrong, we're so incredibly excited to meet him, but we're not rushing either. it's a sweet waiting phase, really.

i did suddenly begin to nest this past weekend, though. it happened only in the form of decorating at first. i had a very strong urge to go to lowe's and buy yellow paint and paint our terribly dated front door, decorate our front porch, buy a wide variety of succulents, get my hands dirty planting, and rearrange our entryway. my giant body is not thanking me for my weekend-long burst of energy, but my heart is. it felt damn good, and so did the shower that i finally took today and scraping all of the yellow paint off of my fingernails and doing my hair and getting dressed in normal clothes. and then zoe walked in and said, "do you have a session or something?" and in that moment i realized (again), i do not dress enough. or bathe enough maybe. or do my hair and make up. clearly. and i don't see that improving with more children, either. ah well. who needs an ego anyway?

the nesting bug did spread out a little bit into other areas and i did some cleaning and laundry and put the rest of his clothes away and readied his room a little bit more. i even thought a lot about packing the hospital bag and didn't, but i think i'll do that soon, too. there was something else i was going to say but... fish tacos are calling my name and you know i will not be late to a mexican dinner feast with my girls. ever.

love love love to everyone.

january bliss.

60s & sunny and hammock swinging and bike riding and sidewalk chalking and lots of laughing. such a happy day.

IMAGINE.

i have been envisioning this project in my mind for awhile. i wanted to make the word IMAGINE across the big wall in the playroom. originally, i was going to decoupage all of the letters but when they arrived that looked like way too much work and i decided i wanted some variety in the style of the letters. i ended up loving how it turned out and the sweet little affirmation that pulls your attention when you walk in the room. i don't know if anyone cares but when i was looking for tutorials, i found it hard to find any with the styles i was looking to create. so, i'm gonna go through the letters and let you know how i did it. and let me be the first to tell you, it may not be the "right" way -- but it worked for me. beginning with the cardboard letters -- i got them online at joann's. they are $4.99 each so with a coupon i found online and shipping for the whole thing it was under $35. i thought that was pretty good for how big the piece of art in its entirety is. for the I's and the E, i decoupaged them. i looked through my favorite magazines (better homes and gardens and southern living, mostly) and cut out colors and prints and textures that appealed to me and that matched the color scheme in the playroom. i tried, for the most part, to cut them into triangle shapes. then, just took some mod podge and started piecing it together until all of the cardboard was covered. this probably took 30 minutes-ish a letter (not including the cutting) and after i let it dry for a few minutes i did one more coat of mod podge (glossy finish) over the entire thing and painted the sides with the color i felt was most dominant. i ended up using yellow, red, and blue on the mod podged letters. for the M -- i painted it first with chalk paint that i had left over (color was provence) and then wrapped some twine around it. tried to be a little bit random and imperfect with this one.

the A was probably the most time consuming one. i looked up a tutorial specifically for yarn wrapping an A so i didn't mess it up. it probably took about an hour and a half or so. i did it in bed on a friday night because i'm THAT cool. the G was another quick and easy one, and i ended up loving the way it turned out. i painted it with a mustard yellow color and then just randomly wrapped the entire thing with twine. it took probably 20 minutes all together and may be my favorite. the N is actually not done completely. i ran out of glitter before i could do the sides but i just used mod podge to cover the entire front and then sprinkled the glitter all over it. super easy. also super messy if you're like me and end up accidentally dumping mod podge all over your deck and ruining one of your favorite sweaters in the process. patience. patience. patience. i'll finish that one some time this week.

so, that's it! it was a fun little project and i love the way it turned out. when the playroom doesn't look like a tornado hit it (and we're done with the last couple things we're putting up) i'll post a photo of the whole thing. we've been spending a TON of time in there and zoe's imagination is so incredible right now -- it fits really well. but, i don't think we should ever stop imagining, so it's the perfect affirmation for all of us!

plans.

zoe will walk up to me and lift my shirt to talk to my belly and kiss her brother and sing made up songs to him. every time it happens i almost have to pinch myself. i never could understand the timing, often wondering why it took so long for us to have another baby, but now i do. now it all makes perfect sense.



i said then, that when i met the next child we had, i would probably understand it all when i got to hold them and know them and love them. but it's happened even sooner than i expected. we already love him. he already has a few names, and we all stare in amazement while we watch his tiny body parts move across my growing belly. we smile really big and teary-eyed when we hear his heartbeat and we imagine what he looks like in there when we feel his little hiccups. we wonder if he'll look like zoe did as a baby. we wonder if he'll be wild because he never stops moving. we also wonder why i HAVE to eat 7 oreo's and chug a glass of milk every night after dinner. but mostly, we anticipate his arrival and talk about him and love him like he's already a part of our family. and he is.

i always imagined having kids about two years apart. i figured that'd be a perfect age gap. they could be friends and play together. they could have that super close sibling bond that i'd seen between so many of my friends and extended family. when it didn't happen like that i was admittedly a little bit sad about it. but the way that she understands what's happening and how our family will change in the spring, the love that she has for someone she's never even met, and the eager energy she has to be involved in everything about him makes my heart swell in a different way.



[zoe's outfit was epic this particular day. tie dye, leopard print, plaid, polka dots, stripes, and patent leather. girl knows how to brighten winter days, i tell you.]

another reminder that these things in life you can't control - that there is a reason bigger than you and your plans. and i have no doubt that the bond that they share will be more special than i could ever imagine. i can't wait to see.



[all photos by jesse. he rules.]

[27 weeks and some days here. every website says the third trimester starts on a different week, but when i divide the total pregnancy by three, i'm in the third part. so i have officially declared -- i'm in the home stretch!]

dancing with daddy.

when zoe was a brand new baby, we were on a blues kick. we'd put the blues channel on our tv and when jesse would get home from work he'd dance around the house with her for hours. over the years, they've danced -- to randomly requested songs or to songs that strike at some particular sweet moment. tonight zoe requested a song and i walked back into the room to find he'd scooped her up and they were dancing, exactly like when she was a tiny baby. something about the way her arms and legs just hang... rush of nostalgia. she looked so comfortable and at peace in his arms.

their love is just the sweetest thing.

ketchup.

the magic (and chaos) of christmas is behind us and the new year is approaching! this year, the holidays really were magic. she's just old enough to truly anticipate everything and her imagination is so wild that the christmas spirit just runs all through her, creating this buzz of excitement and wonder and just pure joy, really. it's so fun to be a part of. two days before christmas, we went through all her toys and she created a huge bag of things "for kids that don't have toys." it was so sweet to watch her contemplate each thing she added to the bag, "i think a kid that doesn't have things to play with would really really love this," or "no we can't give away that baby doll! she's actually one of my kids, mom." in other news, she is starting to ask a few rather pointed questions about santa's inconsistencies so i'm hanging on for dear life to it all. i was three when that whole trip ended for me. THREE. so, i'm really hoping we have a couple more years at least.

i do always love a new year, though. i think every day is an opportunity to begin anew, but nothing quite draws your attention to the choices we make moment to moment like the start of a new year. i love reflecting and i love making promises to myself. i love the renewed feeling i get on january first and the freshness of new beginnings in general. i do not, however, love writing the wrong year the first 27 times i write the date and looking like a moron. 2013 has a nice ring to it, the world didn't end on december 21st (imagine that!), and i think this next year is going to be pretty sweet.

so... i blogged here exactly 19 times last year. lame. i will quadruple that number this year. see! resolutions are so fun. i busted out my calculator to see how many times a week that would come out to be. one and a half-ish. perfect.

so many things have happened since the last time i sat down to write. for one, i'm growing a giant baby! i kid about the giant part. sort of. i am surely larger than i was with zoe and at my 20 week ultrasound, he was measuring about a week ahead so i'm only slightly nervous that he's going to be some freak of nature and be 12 pounds at birth. in my sane mind, i don't actually think that will happen. and yes... he's a HE! i couldn't be more excited about that part. i feel so lucky be able to have one of each.




when i was pregnant with zoe, myspace was all the rage, and i took weekly belly pics and posted them there and wrote tid bits about the pregnancy. i kept a journal. every week, on the exact day that i entered the next week of pregnancy, i googled it -- "14 weeks pregnant... 22 weeks pregnant... 31 weeks pregnant" and so on. i read baby center's version and the bump's version and what to expect's version. it's all i thought about. i counted down the days and i embraced every little thing about it. i had the time to. this time around, i feel like the weeks are flying by and i even sometimes forget which week i'm on. (25 by the way! 26 on thursday!) i take a photo with my iphone every time i fully dress myself and look half way presentable, and sometimes i share them on instagram. but beyond that, i'm feeling a little behind. here he is:



isn't he cute? good thing i wanted to find out the gender because the VERY first thing i saw when she put the wand on my belly were his boy parts. she said, "would you like to know if it's a boy or a girl?" and i said, "that was his wiener, right?" yes, yes it was. he looks perfectly healthy and moves around like you would not believe. like really, i don't think he ever sleeps. this makes a mama nervous. i'm cheers-ing to him breaking that habit by the time he makes his big entrance into the outside world. but his movements are a constant reminder that he's in there, and i need that, i think.

and here's a start. this was almost 10 weeks ago now. i have "popped" in a big way since then. really. belly button and all. pictures to come soon, for reals.



most of all i think i'm just treasuring my family, right as it is, in a different way. more aware of the little special moments that zoe and i share, and admitting to myself that despite how long i've waited for this baby, it's bittersweet knowing that the days of 'just the two of us' are winding down to an end here soon. i love her so much and she is such fun to be around. we're the best of friends -- spending our free time together and laughing and joking and sharing a really special bond. we're similar in so many ways and different in many others. we understand each other at depth. i admire her for everything she is and she teaches me something new every day. i know that nothing can take away what we have, but my mind does wonder how different our life will look in a few short weeks. how she'll handle it. when our alone time will be. if i'll remind her enough how special she is to me.



i can't even begin to describe the way my heart swells every time zoe spontaneously gives love to her baby brother. i've tried not to make a big deal about the whole thing, because a part of me knows that until he's really here, i don't want it to weigh on her. i want her to be able to enjoy her life as it is and process it when she wants to process it. but, she comes up to me several times a day and kisses and rubs my belly. talks to him, makes up songs and sings them for him, tells him she loves him. she's so excited to be a big sister and to see her little mind preparing for a bond i know she can't even fully comprehend, is so incredibly sweet.


and jesse! we're in such an amazing place right now. everything just fits. there really isn't much stress and our life has found this comfortable rhythm that flows, most of the time -- uninterrupted. we've gotten to know one another on such deeper levels this past year and know how to support each other in ways that i didn't even know were possible before. i really do love him more every day. it excites me for how much we'll grow in the future and makes me really proud of where we've come. sometimes i resist change and i find myself stressed out by new routines until i feel like i can really get a good grasp on them. i want to remind myself what our life feels like right now and know that even through sleepless nights and zombie states of mind, it will return. to trust the ebb and flow. this is a lesson that i have to learn over. and over. and apparently, over, again.



we are so excited to start this new chapter of our lives and couldn't feel more grounded in where we are in this moment. i need to affirm that through the unknowns of everything that is to come, we will find the joy and the light and the love that surrounds us. and a good night's sleep will eventually come again. right? yes. it will.

i'll be back soon, friends. promise. xo.

extra special thank you to kristen gardner for all of our beautiful family photos. we treasure each and every one. so much love to you! 

first day of pre-k.

 

oh, my sweet girl,

you woke up so excited this morning for your first day of preschool. my heart did a little happy dance that you were excited, and not scared. you wanted toast with cream cheese on it and juice, and you wanted to wear pink and green. you were excited that we both had the same color shirt on and that you got to wear toms with no socks. you wanted to carry your tote bag and your lunch box AND your project and you were ready.

you were READY.

that was really powerful to witness. you see, ever since you were itty bitty, you've always been a quiet observer. i identify with you in that way so much, so maybe my empathy is on overdrive when i watch you take it all in -- soaking up every bit of the world around you and making sure you feel comfortable and safe before you step forward. many times i've wondered if i projected that onto you, if i made you anxious unnecessarily or if it was my fault you weren't as confident as some of the other kids. but then i stopped blaming myself and trying to make it something it wasn't and i just loved you for exactly who you are.

so sometimes you're not ready to do what all the other kids are doing or maybe you need ten minutes to sit and watch before you join in. i cringed when people said "she's just shy" because i didn't want anyone to label you. i just wanted you to be able to feel however you felt, without worrying that something was wrong with it.

maybe some sweet kid would see your coy little smile and grab your hand and make you feel included and maybe you just want to sit on my lap for awhile. maybe it was more important to teach you, slowly, that the world is a safe place and that you can trust people. sometimes reluctance is good and being aware of your surroundings and finding your place takes a little bit of time, and that's okay. you can take all the time you need.

it made me so happy to know that it sunk in and it worked. those years of nurturing you and not pushing you to do things you weren't ready for but demonstrating that you were safe, and you were loved, and that the unknown is not always scary and there are so many fun adventures waiting to be had. and when you were ready, we'd be cheering you on. your spirit and sense of adventure grew along with your body and you embrace life and love with all that you have.

and today was one of those days. you knew it was coming and you anticipated it's arrival. you woke up early and counted down the minutes until it was time. you looked into my eyes and you told me that you were going to miss me you leaned your head onto me and i breathed you in. i love you with every little bit of my soul.

and as hard as it was to watch you walk into your new school holding your teacher's hand and knowing that i'm going to have a lot of really quiet hours without you by my side during the day, i was even happier for YOU. for your mind and your heart and the experiences that i know you will remember, forever. for the friends you'll make and the songs you'll sing and the dances you'll create and the love you'll share. my heart is so full for you.

i'll miss those hours that i used to have, just me and you. but with the end of that chapter comes a new one and i will be cheering you on from here. i'm so happy that you get to share your beautiful heart and mind with even more people now.

i love you so much.

your biggest fan,

mama