the magic (and chaos) of christmas is behind us and the new year is approaching! this year, the holidays really were magic. she's just old enough to truly anticipate everything and her imagination is so wild that the christmas spirit just runs all through her, creating this buzz of excitement and wonder and just pure joy, really. it's so fun to be a part of. two days before christmas, we went through all her toys and she created a huge bag of things "for kids that don't have toys." it was so sweet to watch her contemplate each thing she added to the bag, "i think a kid that doesn't have things to play with would really really love this," or "no we can't give away that baby doll! she's actually one of my kids, mom." in other news, she is starting to ask a few rather pointed questions about santa's inconsistencies so i'm hanging on for dear life to it all. i was three when that whole trip ended for me. THREE. so, i'm really hoping we have a couple more years at least.
i do always love a new year, though. i think every day is an opportunity to begin anew, but nothing quite draws your attention to the choices we make moment to moment like the start of a new year. i love reflecting and i love making promises to myself. i love the renewed feeling i get on january first and the freshness of new beginnings in general. i do not, however, love writing the wrong year the first 27 times i write the date and looking like a moron. 2013 has a nice ring to it, the world didn't end on december 21st (imagine that!), and i think this next year is going to be pretty sweet.
so... i blogged here exactly 19 times last year. lame. i will quadruple that number this year. see! resolutions are so fun. i busted out my calculator to see how many times a week that would come out to be. one and a half-ish. perfect.
so many things have happened since the last time i sat down to write. for one, i'm growing a giant baby! i kid about the giant part. sort of. i am surely larger than i was with zoe and at my 20 week ultrasound, he was measuring about a week ahead so i'm only slightly nervous that he's going to be some freak of nature and be 12 pounds at birth. in my sane mind, i don't actually think that will happen. and yes... he's a HE! i couldn't be more excited about that part. i feel so lucky be able to have one of each.
when i was pregnant with zoe, myspace was all the rage, and i took weekly belly pics and posted them there and wrote tid bits about the pregnancy. i kept a journal. every week, on the exact day that i entered the next week of pregnancy, i googled it -- "14 weeks pregnant... 22 weeks pregnant... 31 weeks pregnant" and so on. i read baby center's version and the bump's version and what to expect's version. it's all i thought about. i counted down the days and i embraced every little thing about it. i had the time to. this time around, i feel like the weeks are flying by and i even sometimes forget which week i'm on. (25 by the way! 26 on thursday!) i take a photo with my iphone every time i fully dress myself and look half way presentable, and sometimes i share them on instagram. but beyond that, i'm feeling a little behind. here he is:
isn't he cute? good thing i wanted to find out the gender because the VERY first thing i saw when she put the wand on my belly were his boy parts. she said, "would you like to know if it's a boy or a girl?" and i said, "that was his wiener, right?" yes, yes it was. he looks perfectly healthy and moves around like you would not believe. like really, i don't think he ever sleeps. this makes a mama nervous. i'm cheers-ing to him breaking that habit by the time he makes his big entrance into the outside world. but his movements are a constant reminder that he's in there, and i need that, i think.
and here's a start. this was almost 10 weeks ago now. i have "popped" in a big way since then. really. belly button and all. pictures to come soon, for reals.
most of all i think i'm just treasuring my family, right as it is, in a different way. more aware of the little special moments that zoe and i share, and admitting to myself that despite how long i've waited for this baby, it's bittersweet knowing that the days of 'just the two of us' are winding down to an end here soon. i love her so much and she is such fun to be around. we're the best of friends -- spending our free time together and laughing and joking and sharing a really special bond. we're similar in so many ways and different in many others. we understand each other at depth. i admire her for everything she is and she teaches me something new every day. i know that nothing can take away what we have, but my mind does wonder how different our life will look in a few short weeks. how she'll handle it. when our alone time will be. if i'll remind her enough how special she is to me.
i can't even begin to describe the way my heart swells every time zoe spontaneously gives love to her baby brother. i've tried not to make a big deal about the whole thing, because a part of me knows that until he's really here, i don't want it to weigh on her. i want her to be able to enjoy her life as it is and process it when she wants to process it. but, she comes up to me several times a day and kisses and rubs my belly. talks to him, makes up songs and sings them for him, tells him she loves him. she's so excited to be a big sister and to see her little mind preparing for a bond i know she can't even fully comprehend, is so incredibly sweet.
and jesse! we're in such an amazing place right now. everything just fits. there really isn't much stress and our life has found this comfortable rhythm that flows, most of the time -- uninterrupted. we've gotten to know one another on such deeper levels this past year and know how to support each other in ways that i didn't even know were possible before. i really do love him more every day. it excites me for how much we'll grow in the future and makes me really proud of where we've come. sometimes i resist change and i find myself stressed out by new routines until i feel like i can really get a good grasp on them. i want to remind myself what our life feels like right now and know that even through sleepless nights and zombie states of mind, it will return. to trust the ebb and flow. this is a lesson that i have to learn over. and over. and apparently, over, again.
we are so excited to start this new chapter of our lives and couldn't feel more grounded in where we are in this moment. i need to affirm that through the unknowns of everything that is to come, we will find the joy and the light and the love that surrounds us. and a good night's sleep will eventually come again. right? yes. it will.
i'll be back soon, friends. promise. xo.
extra special thank you to kristen gardner for all of our beautiful family photos. we treasure each and every one. so much love to you!
