ketchup.

the magic (and chaos) of christmas is behind us and the new year is approaching! this year, the holidays really were magic. she's just old enough to truly anticipate everything and her imagination is so wild that the christmas spirit just runs all through her, creating this buzz of excitement and wonder and just pure joy, really. it's so fun to be a part of. two days before christmas, we went through all her toys and she created a huge bag of things "for kids that don't have toys." it was so sweet to watch her contemplate each thing she added to the bag, "i think a kid that doesn't have things to play with would really really love this," or "no we can't give away that baby doll! she's actually one of my kids, mom." in other news, she is starting to ask a few rather pointed questions about santa's inconsistencies so i'm hanging on for dear life to it all. i was three when that whole trip ended for me. THREE. so, i'm really hoping we have a couple more years at least.

i do always love a new year, though. i think every day is an opportunity to begin anew, but nothing quite draws your attention to the choices we make moment to moment like the start of a new year. i love reflecting and i love making promises to myself. i love the renewed feeling i get on january first and the freshness of new beginnings in general. i do not, however, love writing the wrong year the first 27 times i write the date and looking like a moron. 2013 has a nice ring to it, the world didn't end on december 21st (imagine that!), and i think this next year is going to be pretty sweet.

so... i blogged here exactly 19 times last year. lame. i will quadruple that number this year. see! resolutions are so fun. i busted out my calculator to see how many times a week that would come out to be. one and a half-ish. perfect.

so many things have happened since the last time i sat down to write. for one, i'm growing a giant baby! i kid about the giant part. sort of. i am surely larger than i was with zoe and at my 20 week ultrasound, he was measuring about a week ahead so i'm only slightly nervous that he's going to be some freak of nature and be 12 pounds at birth. in my sane mind, i don't actually think that will happen. and yes... he's a HE! i couldn't be more excited about that part. i feel so lucky be able to have one of each.




when i was pregnant with zoe, myspace was all the rage, and i took weekly belly pics and posted them there and wrote tid bits about the pregnancy. i kept a journal. every week, on the exact day that i entered the next week of pregnancy, i googled it -- "14 weeks pregnant... 22 weeks pregnant... 31 weeks pregnant" and so on. i read baby center's version and the bump's version and what to expect's version. it's all i thought about. i counted down the days and i embraced every little thing about it. i had the time to. this time around, i feel like the weeks are flying by and i even sometimes forget which week i'm on. (25 by the way! 26 on thursday!) i take a photo with my iphone every time i fully dress myself and look half way presentable, and sometimes i share them on instagram. but beyond that, i'm feeling a little behind. here he is:



isn't he cute? good thing i wanted to find out the gender because the VERY first thing i saw when she put the wand on my belly were his boy parts. she said, "would you like to know if it's a boy or a girl?" and i said, "that was his wiener, right?" yes, yes it was. he looks perfectly healthy and moves around like you would not believe. like really, i don't think he ever sleeps. this makes a mama nervous. i'm cheers-ing to him breaking that habit by the time he makes his big entrance into the outside world. but his movements are a constant reminder that he's in there, and i need that, i think.

and here's a start. this was almost 10 weeks ago now. i have "popped" in a big way since then. really. belly button and all. pictures to come soon, for reals.



most of all i think i'm just treasuring my family, right as it is, in a different way. more aware of the little special moments that zoe and i share, and admitting to myself that despite how long i've waited for this baby, it's bittersweet knowing that the days of 'just the two of us' are winding down to an end here soon. i love her so much and she is such fun to be around. we're the best of friends -- spending our free time together and laughing and joking and sharing a really special bond. we're similar in so many ways and different in many others. we understand each other at depth. i admire her for everything she is and she teaches me something new every day. i know that nothing can take away what we have, but my mind does wonder how different our life will look in a few short weeks. how she'll handle it. when our alone time will be. if i'll remind her enough how special she is to me.



i can't even begin to describe the way my heart swells every time zoe spontaneously gives love to her baby brother. i've tried not to make a big deal about the whole thing, because a part of me knows that until he's really here, i don't want it to weigh on her. i want her to be able to enjoy her life as it is and process it when she wants to process it. but, she comes up to me several times a day and kisses and rubs my belly. talks to him, makes up songs and sings them for him, tells him she loves him. she's so excited to be a big sister and to see her little mind preparing for a bond i know she can't even fully comprehend, is so incredibly sweet.


and jesse! we're in such an amazing place right now. everything just fits. there really isn't much stress and our life has found this comfortable rhythm that flows, most of the time -- uninterrupted. we've gotten to know one another on such deeper levels this past year and know how to support each other in ways that i didn't even know were possible before. i really do love him more every day. it excites me for how much we'll grow in the future and makes me really proud of where we've come. sometimes i resist change and i find myself stressed out by new routines until i feel like i can really get a good grasp on them. i want to remind myself what our life feels like right now and know that even through sleepless nights and zombie states of mind, it will return. to trust the ebb and flow. this is a lesson that i have to learn over. and over. and apparently, over, again.



we are so excited to start this new chapter of our lives and couldn't feel more grounded in where we are in this moment. i need to affirm that through the unknowns of everything that is to come, we will find the joy and the light and the love that surrounds us. and a good night's sleep will eventually come again. right? yes. it will.

i'll be back soon, friends. promise. xo.

extra special thank you to kristen gardner for all of our beautiful family photos. we treasure each and every one. so much love to you! 

first day of pre-k.

 

oh, my sweet girl,

you woke up so excited this morning for your first day of preschool. my heart did a little happy dance that you were excited, and not scared. you wanted toast with cream cheese on it and juice, and you wanted to wear pink and green. you were excited that we both had the same color shirt on and that you got to wear toms with no socks. you wanted to carry your tote bag and your lunch box AND your project and you were ready.

you were READY.

that was really powerful to witness. you see, ever since you were itty bitty, you've always been a quiet observer. i identify with you in that way so much, so maybe my empathy is on overdrive when i watch you take it all in -- soaking up every bit of the world around you and making sure you feel comfortable and safe before you step forward. many times i've wondered if i projected that onto you, if i made you anxious unnecessarily or if it was my fault you weren't as confident as some of the other kids. but then i stopped blaming myself and trying to make it something it wasn't and i just loved you for exactly who you are.

so sometimes you're not ready to do what all the other kids are doing or maybe you need ten minutes to sit and watch before you join in. i cringed when people said "she's just shy" because i didn't want anyone to label you. i just wanted you to be able to feel however you felt, without worrying that something was wrong with it.

maybe some sweet kid would see your coy little smile and grab your hand and make you feel included and maybe you just want to sit on my lap for awhile. maybe it was more important to teach you, slowly, that the world is a safe place and that you can trust people. sometimes reluctance is good and being aware of your surroundings and finding your place takes a little bit of time, and that's okay. you can take all the time you need.

it made me so happy to know that it sunk in and it worked. those years of nurturing you and not pushing you to do things you weren't ready for but demonstrating that you were safe, and you were loved, and that the unknown is not always scary and there are so many fun adventures waiting to be had. and when you were ready, we'd be cheering you on. your spirit and sense of adventure grew along with your body and you embrace life and love with all that you have.

and today was one of those days. you knew it was coming and you anticipated it's arrival. you woke up early and counted down the minutes until it was time. you looked into my eyes and you told me that you were going to miss me you leaned your head onto me and i breathed you in. i love you with every little bit of my soul.

and as hard as it was to watch you walk into your new school holding your teacher's hand and knowing that i'm going to have a lot of really quiet hours without you by my side during the day, i was even happier for YOU. for your mind and your heart and the experiences that i know you will remember, forever. for the friends you'll make and the songs you'll sing and the dances you'll create and the love you'll share. my heart is so full for you.

i'll miss those hours that i used to have, just me and you. but with the end of that chapter comes a new one and i will be cheering you on from here. i'm so happy that you get to share your beautiful heart and mind with even more people now.

i love you so much.

your biggest fan,

mama

"take a picture of me like this, mom!"

i oblige these requests, always. duh. how could you not?

express.

i've hardly had/found any time to write lately, but i've been craving it so maybe soon that'll happen. until then i want to share something i've been falling in love with... zoe's new phase of dressing & accessorizing herself. it is the cutest stinking thing ever! i always loved when i'd see three and four year old girls traipsing through grocery stores with costumes and crowns and mini plastic glittery heels - all wrapped up in their land of pretend.

i used to nanny for my cousin and her three kids when zoe was just a few months old. merrill, who was three at the time, would dress herself most days and i would take her to preschool twice a week. her mom would say "if she's not embarrassed, i'm not embarrassed." i loved that. i do realize that there is a time and a place for some things (like glittery mini heels) but for the most part, i want to do anything i can to encourage self expression.

three years old's get told what not to do a lot, and why they can't do it, and how they need to do it differently, and why that's what we're "supposed" to do. i love having an area where zoe is free to express herself however she feels like it. watching her put together her outfits in the morning (and throughout the day) is something i am totally cherishing right now. i know it's a phase but it's one that i'm hoping hangs around for awhile and transcends into many other awesome forms of self expression when she's older.

i snapped these the other day while she was finishing her ensemble and then as soon as she realized i was taking any pictures, she walked away. she's in a "no pictures please" phase, too. which is why i love instagram so much, i can be much more discreet without a big hunky camera in my hands.

anyway, i freaking love her.

happy monday!

pieces; part 1.

i've wanted to do something like this for awhile. i don't know why i haven't until now - maybe because she would never voluntarily sit this still for any length of time - but today it happened. and i quickly soaked up all of my favorite little things about her. sometimes when she wakes up in the morning i swear she's bigger and her vocabulary is growing exponentially and sometimes she knows things that i don't know (seriously). my baby is turning into a little girl and sometimes i feel, a little woman. i want to remember, so vividly, how her eyelashes lay and her funky little feet and her wispy blonde hair and the tiny little pores on her skin. my favorite freckle, her perfect little lips, and the beautiful shade of green that her eyes seem to have settled into in the past few months. i love photographs (and macro lenses) for being able to bring you so close to those memories. i've been trying to find something that i want to blog "regularly" - an installment of some sort. i think i figured it out today. and while they may not always be just of zoe, i want to remember, closely, some special pieces of life. [this is the face of a three year old, mid-story, telling about a witch eating a crocodile. [and this, forty seconds later, is what i mean by "little woman."]

do you like my pieces idea? anyone care to join? :) i'd love to see your favorite pieces, too.

finding time.

as the rain falls and the ground is covered with all of tiny little petals from all the flowering trees that have surrounded us with so much beauty, i have so much gratitude for these photos we took a couple of days ago. on a random thursday, i just wanted to go explore a pretty little place that caught my eye. we parked our car on the side of the road and the three of us walked to the "fairy tree tunnel" and played together. i wanted to take photos of my girl and to not be limited by anything other than what drew me in. her sweet little movements, expressions, laughter, inquisition, exploration, intention, joy.

pretty snow!

i was holding out hope that we'd get one more snow day before winter was over, and it happened! this winter has been freakishly warm (which i love) but i also love watching zoe catch snowflakes on her tongue and eat handfuls of snow and stand in wonderment as snow falls all around her. i wanted one more day of going out until our fingers were red and cold and coming in and making hot chocolate. i have no snow pictures at all from this year (we were either out of town or sick on every snow day we've had so far) so i'm happy that we got to enjoy what will more than likely be our last snow of this season. so serious. :) happy snow day!

happy birthday, dad!

last night we had a little low-key celebration for my dad's birthday. food, mario kart, and lots of musical instruments made for an awesome celebration. in case anyone was wondering, i have apparently not retained my mario kart skills from college and came in fourth place (last) four out of four times. my dad is an incredible guitar player and i have my fingers crossed that zoe inherits some of that musical genius, since it completely skipped me. she's definitely drawn to music and instruments of any kind, so i took the opportunity to take a million photos of her experimenting. if she does end up to be some bad ass guitar player one day, that will be pretty sweet to look at. even if she doesn't, not much is cuter than a tiny girl with a giant guitar. "happy birthday tooooooo papaw joooeeee" love you dad. the evening's band: after i gave up on trying to beat them... today is his actual birthday so... happy birthday, dad! we love you!