right here.

this morning i woke up kind of discombobulated. i love using that word whenever i can, it's awesome. anyway, my mom is having surgery today and even though it's a pretty simple outpatient procedure, i can't help but worry. i'm kind of a nervous nancy when it comes to things like that. so i exchange a few texts with her and tell her i love her way too many times (not possible) and chat back and forth with my step dad. it goes a little something like this.

whhhhaaaatever. but for real, i'm really excited for what's to come for my mom. this little thing should make life a whole lot easier and hopefully a lot more comfortable and just... better. so cheers to that! and thank you scott for texting me and calling me every step of the way. to make me laugh a little and remember that this is GOOD! and it is.

so i picture her like this and i know everything will be just fine.

on another note, someone took my baby. don't freak out, i don't mean it like that. i just mean.... where did my baby go?!


she went through this little phase where she wasn't really into getting her picture taken. i immediately stopped taking pictures (that she noticed) because the last thing i wanted was for her to develop some kind of hatred for the camera, or to have the feeling that it's always there when she doesn't want it to be. the whole reason i love to take pictures is to capture what really is. so i took a little break from photographing her for awhile and have started to slowly ease back into it - just snapping one here or there. but this morning, she chose (insisted on) wearing this dress, which she's about one millimeter from outgrowing. she dressed herself, she put her own panties and shoes on, and brushed her own teeth. and it just dawned on me. she's really not a baby anymore. and she suddenly doesn't mind me taking her picture anymore either, for right now at least. i'll take it.



i'm loving all the changes. embracing all the changes really. but, it still just blows my mind! how fast this all happens... how we went from here:


to here:


in a YEAR.

you know those moments where it just hits you? like they wake up and you feel like they must have grown two inches and developed 12 new speech patterns and lost the baby chub on their legs and expanded their vocabulary by 26 words overnight? it was one of those moments.

i'm so proud of everything she is and i love and appreciate every moment i am with her. even in the challenges, of which there have been quite a few as we enter the "threes"...i'm grateful for the teacher that she is. and how when i get frustrated, i'm reminded to work on patience. and when i feel hurt, i'm reminded to breathe and to put things in perspective. when i feel lost or unsure i'm reminded of my inner wisdom and my intuition. and when there are moments like this morning, sweet mellow happy moments, i'm reminded to soak it in and be in it, with all of myself. through motherhood, i'm reminded that every moment is new. and in those moments i can choose: to be the kind of mom i want to be and to take a deep breath and to be more patient. to be kind and to be loving and to be all the things that i want her to see in me and that i want her to be able to be for her babies. it's a cycle, this life we're blessed to live, and i want to do the best i can to add all the good juju possible to it.  i've thought a lot lately about how fleeting time is and i want to remind myself more often to really be present - to be right here. and as i affirm it... i am. i love how that works.

our polished pooches.

i always want to do a before and after when the pups get groomed and i always forget. but not today! it is pretty flipping hilarious how their personalities change after they get groomed. before they just look like disasters, rolling around and covering their faces. and then after shiva thinks she's sexy (excuse her wet stache, she just devoured all her wet food in .2 seconds) and dude goes around hoarding all the bones thinking he owns the place.

all the sweet grooming done by tracy at the polished pooch. i love her.

in a moment.

so today i experienced my first earthquake. and so did zoe. we were sitting in the living room. zoe was playing with her friend bailey, my friend christy was holding her baby, and i was sitting on the couch. all of the sudden, the house started to shake. in those seconds the world slowed and a lot of stuff went through my mind. first, i picked up zoe. i stared at christy. she said, 'earthquake.' i tried to remain calm, for zoe. because if she wasn't in the room, guaranteed i wouldn't have been so stoic. we just kind of stared at each other for awhile, waiting for it to stop. feeling each other's racing pulses and nervously laughing. trying to keep it cool for the kids. we tried to use our phones and they didn't work and i'm not going to lie, for a minute i thought it may have been some kind of bomb and terrorists had hacked into the cell phone lines. clearly i watch too much 24. in those moments that felt much longer than they were i thought about the threat to our physical safety. the fear ran through me that something could happen to zoe, or to me, or any of the people i loved and how we'd handle that. and in those moments, i just thought, please, for zoe... don't let anything happen. it was a scary moment as a mom. to not really know what is going on or when it's going to stop or what it means, to feel helpless and scared and trying to stay grounded, no pun intended. not cool.

so after 30 seconds or so we felt it stop and looked to the internet to confirm that it was in fact an earthquake. it was interesting to see the flood of updates on facebook from all of us east coasters who aren't use to that. my favorite was probably this photo, which made me laugh my ass off.

and also realize how lucky we are. no one was killed, there really wasn't much damage, it just made us all think. which is good sometimes.

during the quake, my mind went immediately to my aunt and uncle who just moved back to the states from new zealand. they lived in christchurch when that terrible earthquake struck and they lived (thankfully!) through all of that devastation. they were back here where they probably thought they wouldn't have to feel anything like that ever again and unfortunately had to probably relive a little bit of that initial scare again. that made my heart hurt. but after the ground stood still and we had the information we needed to help us feel secure, things returned to life as usual... but i can't help but think: that jolt of fear is a good reminder of how lucky we are. lucky that we don't have to hear gunshots that scare us under our beds, or bombs that make us wonder if we'll live through another day, or earthquakes that terrify us and actually do devastate a place that we love. or all the many ways that people are forced to live in fear like that much more often. my heart was with them in a greater sense today.

we are safe. and we are lucky.


for the record, luckily zoe thought the earthquake was "silly" and i didn't have to process her panic along with my own. minutes later, she was running around like nothing happened and reminding me to be in the moment. i felt gratitude. i painted her toenails, per her request, and added flowers. i felt gratitude. i put bandaids on her boo-boos and felt good knowing that everything that ailed her could be fixed with a dora bandaid and a kiss. i felt gratitude. i made a peace sign as a symbol of how i was feeling and noticed her in the background doing the same, but with both hands. multiplying peace. i felt gratitude. i looked down and saw (one of) our happy, healthy pets. i felt gratitude. i remembered the magnet i picked up at the store this morning before any of this happened. it said: 'be kind, no exceptions' - and it made me smile. i felt gratitude. as the sun was setting, i went on the deck and felt the warmth on my face with a healthy, perfect girl by my side. i felt so much gratitude.

cheers to things that make us think. i'm happy that it was just a few moments of fear that were transcended into feeling grateful for all the things that are not broken.

hello goodbye.

so my little sister went away to college yesterday. i cried like a child. then i pulled it together and thought about how many amazing memories she's going to have and how college was hands down one of the best times in my life and will be in hers, too. it was only trumped by having zoe and then there comes an entirely new joy with family but seriously... college rules. so i reminded the sad part of my heart to be happy for her. i'm just going to miss her being around, that's all.



dear emma,

maybe i never told you how much you mean to me. i remember the day you were born, we were living with granny in florida and i woke up and ran into mom and dad's room. they weren't there and their bed was made. i ran out to the living room and granny was sitting there, sipping her coffee, obviously waiting for me to wake up. she said, "the baby is here... do you want to go meet her?" i was seven years old. i couldn't be more excited to meet my new little sister. i remember driving there, heart pumping, walking through the hospital hallways and finally to that room. i walked in and saw mom holding you. i got into the bed and was in awe. i fell in love with you in that moment. being seven years apart may have made it a little bit more difficult for us to relate growing up, but i wouldn't have had it any other way. you looked up to me and i loved you with everything that i had.


[this was in my fake tan, fake nails, and apparently fake smile phase. you loved me anyway.]

i'll never forget the many memories we shared and fun we had, the trips we took, and "traditions" we started. but mostly, the laughter. you make me laugh like no one else. the other day mom was talking about you and me, reflecting on our relationship and our past. she was saying how the way we dealt with stress was to laugh. that is so true. i can think of many difficult times in my life, this summer being one of them, where for those goofy moments with you i forgot about everything else. through our countless inside jokes and made up languages and voices, we have a world where nothing else matters.



ever since zoe was born, i've seen something even more amazing in you. i know that you want to work with kids when you're done with school and i can say with every fiber of my being that you were born to do that. you are incredible. you just get them and have a unique ability to relate and help them learn, all while having them feel so connected and safe with you. it is your gift and i can't wait to see what you do with it. thank you for falling in love with zoe the moment you met her, just like i did when i met you, and being the best possible aunt you could be. you'll never know how much your support and love means to me.



so, whether you want me to or not, i'm totally knocking on your dorm room door and hanging out with you sometime (soon). it will be fun! i swear. remember when you visited me at college?


[don't ask about the face.]

i hold all of the memories that include you close to my heart and i can't wait for many, many more. good luck on this next part of your journey. i will be cheering you on all the way!

i love you SO much,

ali

pinterest.

okay so yesterday, i wanted a little escape and had some (very rare) silence in the house and time to myself. i logged into pinterest which i'd been neglecting ever since i first opened my account and added a couple pins. i went a little crazy ocd and had to fill my boards (the boards are never really full...). but it was SO much fun.


what i loved the most was that it's all about ideas. imagination. dreaming. manifesting. i've said it before and i'll say it again: great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people.

i thought about all the places i dreamed of traveling to and swooned over beautiful photos of them. i looked through fun DIY house decorating ideas and reminded myself of the home that i am creating one little bit at a time. i was inspired by others' photography and remembered the beauty in the natural and the creative. i made a board dedicated to awakening memories from the past and found sweet little photo reminders of special times throughout my life. i pinned quotes that made me think, and smile. i dreamed about all the different hair styles i'd love to rock, including dreads which i mean... i dunno if that'll ever happen but i can dream. i was hungry at the time so i found photos of all of my favorite foods and drooled over them. i've been wanting to shoot some styled photo shoots so i collected some ideas of things that i thought were lovely. i'm going through the branding process (does it ever end? no. no it doesn't.) and collected my ideas, colors, and the look i love. and lastly, my manifesting dreams/bucket list board... with all the things i want to do before i die. simple things like GET A FREAKING PASSPORT to bigger leaps of faith like traveling around the country in a VW bus with my family. or running a marathon. or living oceanside. i believe in manifesting your thoughts and wants and desires and needs and dreams into REALITY.

although i was only discussing the ideas with myself, but within minutes things were getting commented on and liked and re-pinned and i realized my ideas, which were inspired by others' ideas, were becoming more people's ideas and ideas were running wild. this is always a good thing!

also, the other day i posted about my new gratitude chalk board. i am happy to report that i have been dedicating 5-10 minutes a day to sitting in silence and writing down what i'm grateful for. another quote, while i'm in a quote-y mood... thoughts in mind produce after their kind. this couldn't be more true... especially for gratitude.

i love ideas. and i'm still grateful.

ten minutes in the name of gratitude.

i've been trying to focus lately on what i'm grateful for. i made a chalkboard that says:

i got this gratitude board idea from my dear friend tara polly, and she inspires me to be more present. check her out and be inspired, too. zoe promptly scribbled out everything i was grateful for as well as, 'i am grateful for' with colorful zig zags. so today i tried again. in an effort to inspire myself, i walked around the house (and deck) for 5 minutes and took pictures of gratitude as art.

i saw/felt:

[the beautiful contrast of green leaves and blue skies. the perfect 80 degree weather with cool breeze. the smell of fresh summer air.]


[the sunflowers left over from my sisters' going-away-to-college party that remind me of them. this makes me both happy and sad. but mostly happy for all the fun i know they'll have and amazing memories they'll make. they make me proud.]


[the expanding mind of my little one. building creations and making music and having an imagination that just blows me away. daily.]


[a sweet little 'thank you' bundle of flowers from a friend from the past. a nice reminder of how all things make sense eventually and that being gracious is a beautiful thing.]


[dog days of summer. comfort. security. calm.]


[excitement! laughter! all the more present when she gets to squirt me with a water bottle. i love this face, laugh, smile, heart, mind, soul.]


[the warmth of sunshine and soaking up every last bit of summer before it fades into fall in the next few weeks...]


I AM GRATEFUL.

one of my favorite things.

[scroll to the bottom of the blog & pause my playlist, then listen. & love.]

listen...

uh oh...

i think zoe is excited about football season starting, too... i am officially outnumbered. translation: football bores the shit out of me. but i miiight put war paint on my face and buy a jersey and make pigs in a blanket and learn what is even happening on that field and maybe yell at the tv a little and really try to get into it this year. but probably not. don't get me wrong, sometimes i can enjoy football. right until my eyes start to glaze over and i get up and find something far more captivating. anyway, she's so freaking cute.

also, yes i did just creep back into the blogging world and not talk about it how i stopped writing for three and a half months. i decided i didn't like that decision and i want to start again. but i was kind of waiting for something profound to say & nothing came up so... while hanging with a friend today and talking about how i want/need to start writing in this little blog of mine again, we came across a quote. it said:

i say: fiiiiine, confucius. you can't deny confucius, right? i think he'd be seriously pissed.