it's in random moments like these that bring up the urge for me to purge my mind. don't ask why. maybe just because i'm alone and that really hasn't happened lately... at all. it feels nice. plus i have a pack of reese's peanut butter eggs next to me (thank you liam) holding me over until my mexican dinner with a couple of my favorite girlfriends, so i'm basically in pregnant heaven.
so, i'm officially "full term." YEEHAW! which means, that really at any moment i could go into labor. i doubt it'll happen until at least my due date (in about two and a half weeks) or later but, IT COULD. which is the crazy part. i haven't been nesting at all the past few weeks -- only really tired and eating my body weight in food daily, allowing my laundry to pile up, never finishing my to do lists, and hardly stepping foot in the dude's room to finish the nursery that surely he won't sleep in for the first few months (this is how i justify why there is still painters tape and ladders and things meant to be hung leaning against the walls). i'm constantly being asked if i'm ready... and i say different things that mostly mean -- not really. but are we ever really ready? i don't think so.
[BAM! there he is. almost 38 weeks. i get comments ranging from 'WOW he's huge' to 'you're so tiny!' to 'i can see that your face is fatter!' which brings me to my PSA -- especially to women who have been pregnant -- do you not remember being pregnant? no pregnant woman wants to be told how "huge" she is or how "fat" she looks. for the love.]
anyway, back to the ready thing. so, then i think about it and i think that in many ways i'm more ready than i was last time. and in many ways i'm not. since it's been a good four and a half years since i've done this, and i don't have the best memory in the world, there is a lot that i just plain don't remember. i've heard it's like riding a bike, and luckily i can awkwardly pick that back up and eventually ride in a somewhat straight line without falling. so, i'm hoping this will work out similarly.
the anxieties of being a new mom aren't really there this time, which is nice. anxiety of any kind is not my favorite thing but something that i struggle with in a lot of areas of my life. i'm not really obsessing over having everything in the right place but more in spending time with my family in this way that i know will soon change. i'm cherishing the moments alone with zoe and am happy when she picks out longer books at bedtime or comes into our bed in the middle of the night to "lay with me for a second" (aka all night) or asks me to play candy land with her or if she can help me cook -- i know that it's the uninterrupted moments of snuggling and spending quality time that may look a little different here shortly.
she is such a treasure.
and jesse. ohhhhh, i love that man. these may be the most romantic months we've shared in a long time. he is so sweet and thoughtful and gentle and just... the best man i could hope for. the little things he does for me and the way he holds me (whale-ish and all) and all of our conversations about life and love and parenting and the future and most importantly, the PRESENT. and we have really just been soaking in our time alone together, too. of course we know, one day, we'll have it again but i imagine the 2AM wake ups and the tired days and the bassinet next to our bed for months and how different our life looked when zoe came into it, and how different it will look again soon. don't get me wrong, we're so incredibly excited to meet him, but we're not rushing either. it's a sweet waiting phase, really.
i did suddenly begin to nest this past weekend, though. it happened only in the form of decorating at first. i had a very strong urge to go to lowe's and buy yellow paint and paint our terribly dated front door, decorate our front porch, buy a wide variety of succulents, get my hands dirty planting, and rearrange our entryway. my giant body is not thanking me for my weekend-long burst of energy, but my heart is. it felt damn good, and so did the shower that i finally took today and scraping all of the yellow paint off of my fingernails and doing my hair and getting dressed in normal clothes. and then zoe walked in and said, "do you have a session or something?" and in that moment i realized (again), i do not dress enough. or bathe enough maybe. or do my hair and make up. clearly. and i don't see that improving with more children, either. ah well. who needs an ego anyway?
the nesting bug did spread out a little bit into other areas and i did some cleaning and laundry and put the rest of his clothes away and readied his room a little bit more. i even thought a lot about packing the hospital bag and didn't, but i think i'll do that soon, too. there was something else i was going to say but... fish tacos are calling my name and you know i will not be late to a mexican dinner feast with my girls. ever.
love love love to everyone.
