full.

i was lying in bed and my mind was racing. everything from each individual item on my incredibly long to do list, to what books i'm going to bring on the plane to LA with me tuesday morning, to why the hell i was wearing wool socks in my warm bed, to how badly i have been yearning to write but can't find the time to do it, to how i would manage to lose lens caps if they were hot glued to my forehead, and mostly back (and back again) to everything i "need" to do. for 15 minutes i just let the thoughts flow in, acknowledged them, let them flow out... let them go. they kept coming, and i still couldn't sleep. it's been thirty days since i've taken the time to sit down once everyone has gone to sleep -- and just write. i told myself when i re-opened this blog that there was no pressure about the frequency of my writing. just that it was there whenever i found myself wanting to write. that was all. so i got up and felt my way around my pitch black room and found my glasses, and with the light of my cell phone made my way back down here. and it feels good to be here.

october has been crazy. crazy awesome. crazy busy. crazy beautiful. crazy enlightening. crazy full of love. crazy full.... period. october seems to be the busiest for me with photography and i have been reveling in gratitude for how many amazing people i've been able to meet, get to know better, witness their love, capture fleeting moments, and spend time with, this month. i must have said 14 times over the past thirty days -- wow, my clients inspire me. so in that regard, i am full, too. in the busyness of it all, sometimes i forget myself too, and i oddly enjoy that every once in awhile too. feeling selfless and focusing on giving. it feels good. today i showed up for a shoot at a beautiful park and as i was pulling in i noticed that over the freezing weekend the leaves were really starting to fall and some colors were peaking and some trees were bare, and the crisp air blew and the sky was bright blue and clear and the sun was shining. but it feels like fall is already fading into winter; that happened fast. as i waited for my clients to arrive, instead of waiting in my car with my heat on full blast (per usual) i got out and took a walk with myself and took a few pictures. no one was there in the whole park. just me. i loved those five minutes.
 

fall is so beautiful in virginia. on my list of 27 things to do tomorrow, one of them is to take some pictures of zoe. so hopefully those will be up here soon. she picked out her halloween costume over the weekend (after rotating between wanting to be a witch, to strawberry shortcake, to a skeleton, and through the cycle a few more times). she decided on a bumble bee. who would have thought? she looks insanely cute as a bumble bee. ah, i adore her. since i wrote last she's grown up by what seems like months and at certain points, years. i refer to certain attitudes she's trying on as "teenage zoe." i remember writing about our bedtime routine and sad to say, it was as fleeting as i thought it may be. i am glad i did soak up those snuggly moments though. tonight went a little something like this:

(academy award winning dramatic bedtime performance goes to... zoe mae.) so, i pick her up and tuck her in and lay in bed beside her. mind you, she's way tired.

z: in a slow drawn out crine (that's cry/whine) "i'mmm... neverrr.... goingggg... to... sleep... i'mm... goinggg... to... cry. alll... night.... longgg... i'm... notttttt... tireeeddddd.... i'm notttttt.... i'mmm... goinggg... to... stayyyy... awakee.... allll.... nightttttt... and... cryyy...
me: (just lying there for a couple minutes until her cry/whining subsides a bit. then i remind her to take deep breaths, which, laugh it up, is one of the most helpful things ever. for both of us, i think.) "hey zoe... if you could stay up forever and ever and ever..."
z: "yea."
me: "...what would you do?"
z: "play with daddy."

i knew it. i knew in her little mind that what she was really upset about was that the weekend was over. and daddy was going back to work in the morning and that meant she wasn't going to be able to see him as much as she had over the weekend. sometimes i get these feelings about what she's feeling (too much feeling) and then i doubt myself and tell myself that it's probably not that deep. and then nine times out of ten, it is that deep. she feels deep and she thinks a lot. and i love that about her. and i love that when i know what she's thinking and feeling i can kind of help her navigate through it. because without the words to convey it, i'd cry/whine too. i mean, sometimes i still do.

so i told her i understood that she was upset that the weekend was over, but that he was coming home early tomorrow from work and that it was halloween. and we got excited about all the fun things that were going to happen tomorrow. and we took some more deep breaths. and then she turned in towards me and held on to my finger and fell asleep. so the nighttime routine is different now in that... she's a little girl. she's not a toddler anymore. she doesn't just need the creature comforts of snuggling and familiar smells and sounds. she needs to talk and process her thoughts and fears and know that she's heard. and although i miss her cuddling up in the crook of my neck and snoring within 14 seconds, i love the way she thinks and i love how deeply she feels. i love her big vulnerable open heart.

anyway. for some reason, i had guilt tripped myself into thinking that as long as there was work that i needed to do, i wasn't going to take any time to write here. pretty sure every one of my clients would say that's ridiculous. so here i am. well, here i was. i'm really tired now. thanks for listening to my midnight ramblings. (insert giant yawn). i'm going to LA this week for work but also for some fun so maybe i'll come back and chat about that. xo.