EXPAND LOVE: September 2011

i'm not really sure what i've been waiting for. i've sat down to write it many times, and i never have finished. it was too boring. it was too long. it was too detailed. but mostly, there aren't a string of words that i could put together that adequately describes the intensity in which my life changed in that one moment. when zoe slipped out of my body and into the world, everything had new meaning. my sense of wonder, awe, strength, hope, love - all renewed, at a depth that words just don't do justice.

[behold, the first photo of her taken with my iphone]

i'm sitting in a quiet house with an over-poured glass of good red wine. zoe is sleeping after her bedtime story tonight which i recounted from memory and titled 'the day you were born.' i didn't need a book tonight. i recounted the events of that warm september day three years ago in a way that a three year old could understand, choking back tears and emphasizing the parts where i thank my lucky stars every day that she found her way to me. the part where i am so grateful for the time i get to spend with her and how she teaches me something new about life and love and happiness every single day. and how she is my angel. she said, you're my angel too, mom. and she told me she loved me. she told me she wanted to really snuggle me tonight and wrapped her tiny soft little arm around my shoulder and nuzzled her head, her hair still wet from the bath, against my forehead and fell asleep. complete bliss, if you ask me.

so we're approaching year three. as i get comfy in this big wooden chair, a million memories float through my mind. so much has happened, and i still haven't written the story of the day (and the night and next day) that it all began. until now. i remember it vividly still. i woke up on monday, september 29th 2008, not anxious, but full of energy. my due date was tomorrow, but that didn't mean much to me. all the women in our family have babies late, so i figured i'd follow suit. i cleaned up the house and had everything in its place. i made a list of things i needed to get that i'd forgotten, at the top of that list was one of those husband pillows. don't ask me why, but i had to have that thing. i called my friend christine who was out of work that day and we decided to go to lunch and finish the remainder of the shopping i needed to do. and eat bagel sandwiches at my favorite place; i was starving.

i remember driving down fairfax county parkway, from reston to fair lakes and being overtaken with what felt like a hot flash. i immediately started sweating and feeling a little light headed when i realized at that very moment, the AC in my car had gone out. that must have been all it was, i thought. and went on with my mad dash towards food. i waited in the bagel line, tapping my foot anxiously and feeling oddly shaky. i was still sweating. i just attributed it to my pregnancy induced hunger, which was nothing to mess with. the old man at the cash register asked me the same four questions he asked me every time i came in (which was a LOT) and told me the story (again) of a pregnant woman who came in for lunch one day and ended up having her baby the same day. hopefully i get so lucky, i said with a smile. i proceeded to devour my turkey bagel sandwich and everything bagel with cream cheese (both necessary) and chug my orangina. the profuse sweating and shakiness stopped and i was feeling pretty solid.

we went over to wal-mart when i noticed i was having contractions. i had been "contracting" all day but just figured they were braxton hicks contractions, which i'd been getting since i was four of five months pregnant, so i didn't think much of it. but then as we paced the aisles in search of that damn husband pillow (which was hiding) i started to notice that they were getting kind of intense. each time one would come on, i'd pause and rest my hand on one of the shelves in the aisles. it'd come... and go... and we'd walk on. i finally found a brown corduroy husband. perfect. we got out of there and made it home. still no AC in the car.

christine hung out for a bit and i checked everything off of my to-do list, propped the husband in the bed, and sat satisfied on the couch knowing i had everything ready. most people do that weeks before their due date but... if you know me, you know i don't do anything weeks before anything. jesse came home from work shortly thereafter and we just hung out. i can't remember anything of note that we did. just the usual, i suppose. i mentioned that i'd been having contractions that hurt a bit since about 11 that morning. it was nearing dinner time, so i figured if this was in fact labor, i should probably load up on all my favorite foods for the energy that surely i'd need for childbirth. so we went to chipotle. i demolished an entire burrito, chips & guac and a water with lemon. pausing only for contractions. i was fat and happy.

once we got back home and watched tv for a bit i told jesse i was beginning to be more sure i was in labor. these contractions were really starting to hurt and it was nearing time for us to go to bed. we decided to get in bed early so hopefully we could get some rest. i laid down and fell asleep and woke up 15 minutes later. no chance i was going to sleep through them now. i got up and went into the living room, allowing jesse to get some more rest. i didn't want a tired birth partner. little did i know baby adrenaline is akin to the strongest amphetamine known to man. anyhow, he slept for an hour or so before i woke him up. i remember saying okay, this is definitely it. it's starting to freak me out a little bit, so just stay with me. i remember calling my friend becca, who had just had a baby a few months before. i described how i felt to her, to somehow validate to myself that i was in labor. i'd always heard, "if you're in labor, you'll KNOW." but i didn't know for sure. (much like anything else in my life). she said it definitely sounded like labor. after about another hour, i went to the bathroom, saw some blood, got a little freaked out, and called my midwife. she talked to me and listened to me through a couple of contractions. i couldn't talk through them so she confirmed that i was definitely in labor. she told me to go to the hospital whenever i felt ready, but not to rush.

i was ready. i was a good 25 minutes from the hospital and the thought of going down a bumpy road, with no AC, on top of the pain made me want to get there as fast as humanly possible. jesse drove probably somewhere close to 3 miles per hour the whole time, avoiding bumps and being super gentle. i remember looking at the speedometer at one point and we were on a highway and he was going like 35. it was cute how cautious he was but at that point i was like freakin' goooo!

we pulled in to the birthing inn and i wobbled myself into the main door and walked myself back. i remember laboring in the hallway for a minute and kind of moaning and could have cared less about anyone hearing me or seeing me. i knew at that point that this was definitely it because my inhibitions were slowly disappearing altogether. a sweet nurse took me back into triage and told me i was only three centimeters dilated, almost four. it was part of my "birth plan" (somewhat of an oxymoron) to not be admitted until i was past four centimeters, but i was ready to go back. i didn't want any constant monitoring and i didn't want to be restricted as far as what i ate or drank so the nurses read over my requests and were really kind in accommodating my "way." it was some kind of law that they monitor me for at least 20 minutes and then i was allowed to be free. i obliged of course, and at the end of that period they said my contractions were about three minutes apart and took me back to the room where i would eventually meet my girl...

when the midwife (paula) arrived, i remember being so comforted by her presence. she knew the way i wanted it to go and she was supportive and ready to help me achieve the birth i'd dreamed of. i remember when i first found out i was pregnant i was going to an OB practice and the first thing i told them was that i was definitely sure i wanted an epidural. i ended up switching to the midwives half way through my pregnancy, and had since read a million books (and one that i just must mention because it is hands down the best book about birth and labor and women and trusting your body and all of that beautiful stuff - it's called 'ina may's guide to childbirth' and it changed my life). through all of the positive birth stories in that book, and the hypnobabies courses (which were just like meditation essentially to me, reminder of releasing fear and trusting in the natural process of birth, to stay calm, to keep your intention at the forefront of your mind, and to breathe) -- by about 20 weeks, i knew i wanted a natural birth.

but at four centimeters, in a new kind of pain, and feeling a bit of anxiety, i questioned my decision for a bit. i told the nurses, if it gets much worse, i just may take the epidural. but i reminded them that i really didn't want to, so to please stop reminding me that it was readily available. they never mentioned it again. they did try to give me an IV line so that they could give me a bag of fluids. it exploded my vein and i just denied it all together and drank orange gatorade on crushed ice (aka my life blood through labor and delivery) a la my midwife, paula. she turned on a dim lamp and turned off the big invasive florescent lights. everyone whispered. i didn't speak. i took deep renewing breaths when i got breaks, i moaned (like some sort of awesome animal) through contractions. i was doing it! i was trusting my body and i could feel it doing all the things it was supposed to do. they checked me every hour, and monitored zoe's heart rate every few minutes. i was dilating about a centimeter per hour, which was perfect. we moved the lamp into the bathroom and turned the lights off in there. i labored in that tub for hours. we'd let some of the cold water down the drain and put more warm in. the buoyancy alleviated a lot of the back labor i was having (she was a little bit sideways in there) and i felt so much lighter and more at ease. paula would step out and just let jesse and i enjoy this beautiful process together. she'd come in only to check the heart rate every few minutes and to give me sips of orange gatorade and to tell me i was doing great. and that everything was going just as it should. i was at peace.

jesse hovered, slightly in the tub slightly out, steadfast, steady, strong, breathing with me and holding my hand. so in tune with my mind and my body and what i needed. it was such an incredible experience for us to be able to go through together and i don't know how it would have gone without him there. he was my rock, for sure. he knew, at such depth, the kind of birth that i'd been affirming i would have. he knew what it meant to me and he knew his part in that. he knew, in this super medical place, that i didn't want any intervention. i wanted to feel the raw, pure, experience and any time i doubted myself, he filled that doubt with assurance that i was ready for this, that i was strong and capable, and that it was unfolding just the way it was supposed to.

after hours in the tub, they checked me and i was between 8 and 9 centimeters. it was almost six o'clock in the morning. i'd been up all night in labor. my contractions were starting to come really close together and i knew i was nearing the end of this journey. but i had really become one with the "waves." knowing that i would have moments in between to recoup was all i needed to hold my intention so clearly in my mind. until they said -- we can break your water now and you'll be ready to start pushing, you'll have this baby by breakfast time. i suddenly felt this rush of anxiety. i was out of the tub and in the bed. it was actually happening. and it was intense. i could do the waves and the breathing, i could do being pregnant and overcoming pain, but now i was actually about to be a mom. holy shit. i had been so focused on doing all the right things when i was pregnant and preparing my body and my mind and my spirit for the act of labor and birth that i hadn't really mentally prepared myself for the baby part. i told them i wasn't quite ready. they pretty much told me i had to be.

they broke my water and told me i could start pushing. i was kind of out of my core for a minute and wasn't paying attention to my body. i should have told them that i wasn't ready to push, because i wasn't. as any woman who has given birth knows (or any man who has had to poop REALLY bad), you know when you have to push. but i listened. i took deep breaths in and did the ten count pushing, even though that wasn't part of my plan. i ended up pushing for three hours, which looking back was definitely not necessary. but, i guess i'll know that for next time. anyhow, that part was intense. it's actually a complete blur because my body (and uterus) were so tired that i'd actually stop contracting for 5 or so minutes in between pushing and would fall asleep. that was a pretty beautiful thing because my body (again) knew what it had to do. i was so exhausted that it knew i needed those bursts of energy. i sucked on honey sticks and drank my orange gatorade and took cat naps and pushed. and towards the end, i really felt what it was like to "know you need to push." then, they told me to wait, because she was coming fast and they weren't quite ready. that was funny. i remember them saying, "hold on, don't push for a second." and i said "okay" and started pushing really hard. i felt like a little kid sneaking candy off of the counter. it felt really good.

they held a mirror for me to see (which was probably my least favorite part of the day). don't really care to ever see myself disfigured in that regard again so i told them to take that away and that i'd do better with my lotus flower visualization. i remember taking deep breaths and remembering not to clench up. i remember my affirmations about opening into the sensation, breathing and releasing any tension in my body. and i could feel it working. all of a sudden they said, "oh! she has blonde hair!" and it became so real to me. they could only see a patch of her head but she was coming and i couldn't wait to meet her. the excitement and adrenaline and love flowed and filled me up instantly. i had all the energy i needed now.

it was only a few really good pushes later and her head was out, and then her shoulders, and then the rest of her little body slipped out. they placed her on my chest, and they left her there for a long while. i remember, like it was two seconds ago, the moment i saw her face. it was the most surreal moment of my life. the whole time you're pregnant, you know there is a baby growing inside of you. and then you see their tiny little heart beat on the ultrasound. and then you hear it. and then you start to feel them move. and then you find out it's a she. and then you start to feel this incredibly close bond as you feel their every move and hiccup and your stomach expands and you know that they are getting bigger and healthier and more ready to meet you. but nothing can prepare you for that moment when you see their sweet face. oh, it was so tiny and so perfect. every bit of her was just angelic. she grasped onto my fingers and she wailed. and i couldn't be more happy to hear that cry. she turned from blue to pink in what seemed like a single instant and she was everything i thought she'd be and more. my heart was overflowing and i was feeling a whole slew of emotions that i'd never felt before...

... it was like the best kind of surprise and the deepest kind of awe and the grandest kind of love and the truest kind of contentment. this reverence for the fragility of life as you hold a new baby, a baby that was created inside of your own body, it's just the most incredible experience i could ever ask to be a part of. i held her and soaked her all in. every little bit of her. i touched all her fingers as she wrapped them around my pinky. i obsessed on her toes. and her tiny little nose and her puffy eyes and her dirty blonde hair. her rosebud lips and perfect little body. she was my angel. i never stopped staring at her. for hours. i honestly still couldn't believe she was mine. i just felt so lucky. and the cool thing is, i still do. every single day.

all of the different roads life took me on led me to that moment. any number of different things that could have happened. but they didn't. because all the right things were too busy happening, all the right things that were bringing her right into my arms and filling up my heart and making me look at love and gratitude and life in an entirely different way. a better, more complete way. it all made so much sense. and as i fell asleep that tuesday night, i have never felt so good. so whole and so perfect and so lucky and so in love.

from birth:

to one:

to two:

to three:

and so three years later, to my sweet sweet girl,

i love you more than words can say. i have an indescribable gratitude for the love you show me and the lessons you teach me day in and day out. when i look at you, i am still filled with as much awe and inspiration as the day you were placed in my arms. you make me wake up wanting to be better, you remind me that we choose our thoughts and our every action and reaction. you inspire me to make all of them reflect the love that is in my heart. you remind me that a life filled with love is a life worth living, and to set aside all that brings us away from that and focus on what brings us to it. in your hugs, i am at peace. in your uninhibited laughter, you remind me of our inner child and our divinity. in your slumber, you remind me to take time in the silence and to breathe. in your words, i am filled with gratitude for your mind and your big heart. in our challenges, i am reminded to call on patience and to remember that there is a lesson in everything, big and small. when you imagine, i am filled with inspiration from your creativity and in awe of the love that you see and give so freely. in your inherent wisdom, you are a perfect teacher. when i am with you, i am better. thank you for finding your way to me. i am so thankful for you and can't believe how many beautiful memories we've created in three short years. here's to many, many more. know that i will always love you, unconditionally, with every little bit of my heart. you taught me that, too.

with abundant love,

your mama

i picked zoe up from the couch to go to bed at 8. she kicked a teeny little bit and tried with a miniscule bit of her tired little self to fight that it was bedtime. but mostly she surrendered in my arms. she knows our routine well, and she knows it's not going to end any other way than her sleeping peacefully. as i laid her in bed and climbed in next to her to tuck her in, she said you're not my friend, mom. i thought it was an appropriate punctuation to end this rather shitty day, and sort of smirked at the irony. as i laid next to her and snuggled myself under her jersey sheets i said no matter what you say, i'll always love you more than anything. in that moment i reflected on how beautiful it would be if the unconditional love we have for our children was more ever-present in our lives. in our relationships with other people we love. why does it come so easy with them? it is magic. truly.

we laid there for a few moments. lately bedtime is my favorite. if you had asked me about it at any point, specifically newborn (when she didn't sleep), six months (when she was still sleeping in our bed and waking to nurse every hour and a half), 9 months (when we finally couldn't take it anymore and realized that it would be better for her and us to find a sleep solution that worked), one year (when we had tried every no cry sleep solution, cried letting her cry, read every book, blog, website, asked every parent we knew and could still not stay consistent enough to have a child that just went to bed at bedtime), 18 months (when she jumped out of her crib and the toddler bed was introduced), 2 (when she only wanted daddy to put her to bed but then she'd drag it out so long that he'd fall asleep putting her to sleep and i'd be doubly frustrated) i would have told you that bedtime wasn't my favorite part of life. but now... now, it's beautiful. i want to pause this bedtime routine and keep it for a very long time. i want to bottle it up and remember every single thing about the way it feels. now i'm the only one who puts her to bed. by choice. she knows i mean business when it's bedtime so it isn't a long routine but i literally cherish every single second of it. we lay down. i let her download the thoughts in her sweet spinning mind. she tells me she loves me. i tell her i love her more. she kisses me. she snuggles so close to me that our bodies are like puzzle pieces. and she falls asleep. right in those precious seconds, she's out. i come down every night at 8:08 or something like that and marvel at how OBSESSED i am with this bedtime trend. and it is really my favorite thing. ever.

tonight it went a little something like this:

you're not my friend, mom.
no matter what you say, i'll always love you more than anything.
no way jose.
[deep breath. a few moments of silence.]
mom, i can't see when my eyes are closed. i think i need glasses.
you shouldn't be able to see with your eyes closed. but i'll take you to the eye doctor if you want to, and they can check out your eyes.
okay, mom. and jenna can't see with her eyes closed either. maybe we can take her with us?
we could. or her mom could take her so she can pay for it.
hm... ok.
[a few more silent moments. she snuggles a little closer and puts her face right in front of mine. she puts one hand around my shoulder and her other hand on my face to feel my lips move in the dark while we finish chatting. that might sounds slightly creepy. it certainly isn't.]
mom, i've been picking at my lip today. have you?
yeah, i've been biting my lips a little bit today.
mine hurt. how are we gonna fix these lips?
me.
[i give her a kiss]
that feels better.
good.
i love you, mom. goodnight.
i love you more. goodnight sweetheart.
goodnight... sweetheart.
[more time passes. i eat up every split second of this freaking bliss.]
mom.... are there witches in this room?
no, sweetie. there are no witches here.
okay, goodnight. love you.
i love you too.
[snoring.]