magic.

i picked zoe up from the couch to go to bed at 8. she kicked a teeny little bit and tried with a miniscule bit of her tired little self to fight that it was bedtime. but mostly she surrendered in my arms. she knows our routine well, and she knows it's not going to end any other way than her sleeping peacefully. as i laid her in bed and climbed in next to her to tuck her in, she said you're not my friend, mom. i thought it was an appropriate punctuation to end this rather shitty day, and sort of smirked at the irony. as i laid next to her and snuggled myself under her jersey sheets i said no matter what you say, i'll always love you more than anything. in that moment i reflected on how beautiful it would be if the unconditional love we have for our children was more ever-present in our lives. in our relationships with other people we love. why does it come so easy with them? it is magic. truly.

we laid there for a few moments. lately bedtime is my favorite. if you had asked me about it at any point, specifically newborn (when she didn't sleep), six months (when she was still sleeping in our bed and waking to nurse every hour and a half), 9 months (when we finally couldn't take it anymore and realized that it would be better for her and us to find a sleep solution that worked), one year (when we had tried every no cry sleep solution, cried letting her cry, read every book, blog, website, asked every parent we knew and could still not stay consistent enough to have a child that just went to bed at bedtime), 18 months (when she jumped out of her crib and the toddler bed was introduced), 2 (when she only wanted daddy to put her to bed but then she'd drag it out so long that he'd fall asleep putting her to sleep and i'd be doubly frustrated) i would have told you that bedtime wasn't my favorite part of life. but now... now, it's beautiful. i want to pause this bedtime routine and keep it for a very long time. i want to bottle it up and remember every single thing about the way it feels. now i'm the only one who puts her to bed. by choice. she knows i mean business when it's bedtime so it isn't a long routine but i literally cherish every single second of it. we lay down. i let her download the thoughts in her sweet spinning mind. she tells me she loves me. i tell her i love her more. she kisses me. she snuggles so close to me that our bodies are like puzzle pieces. and she falls asleep. right in those precious seconds, she's out. i come down every night at 8:08 or something like that and marvel at how OBSESSED  i am with this bedtime trend. and it is really my favorite thing. ever.

tonight it went a little something like this:

you're not my friend, mom. 
no matter what you say, i'll always love you more than anything. 
no way jose. 
[deep breath. a few moments of silence.]
mom, i can't see when my eyes are closed. i think i need glasses. 
you shouldn't be able to see with your eyes closed. but i'll take you to the eye doctor if you want to, and they can check out your eyes.
okay, mom. and jenna can't see with her eyes closed either. maybe we can take her with us?
we could. or her mom could take her so she can pay for it. 
hm... ok. 
[a few more silent moments. she snuggles a little closer and puts her face right in front of mine. she puts one hand around my shoulder and her other hand on my face to feel my lips move in the dark while we finish chatting. that might sounds slightly creepy. it certainly isn't.]
mom, i've been picking at my lip today. have you?
yeah, i've been biting my lips a little bit today. 
mine hurt. how are we gonna fix these lips?
me. 
[i give her a kiss]
that feels better. 
good.
i love you, mom. goodnight. 
i love you more. goodnight sweetheart. 
goodnight... sweetheart. 
[more time passes. i eat up every split second of this freaking bliss.]
mom.... are there witches in this room?
no, sweetie. there are no witches here. 
okay, goodnight. love you. 
i love you too.
[snoring.]

PS she is totally my friend. my greatest friend.