locating my silence.

at times i go through what i like to call blog binges. they differ from other types of binges because the only side effect that i have noticed is feeling more normal. the other day i came across this little gem (see: pinterest binging)...

 

how true is this? for me, very true. of course, sometimes i read to gain information (see: google binging). sometimes i look up recipes (food binges, equally awesome). but for the most part, when i can steal quiet moments away, which isn't very often, i like to read blogs. women, mothers, fathers, opinions that differ from mine, politics, spirituality, human rights, more moms... but mostly, stories strung together by people who are also stealing away quiet moments, chugging along, hoping they are doing the right thing, trying their best.

i find comfort in knowing that there are a lot of people seeking a state of consciousness that is content and happy and peaceful and grateful and gracious and generous. that moms are stepping on spilled cheerios and snuggling their sick babies and watching their laundry pile up but know what's really important. that people feel connected and then disconnected and then connected again to their spouses. that everything in life goes in and out like the waves. that life isn't perfect but it's your perspective and gratitude for what IS that creates your own happiness. that loving yourself has to come first. 

that's still weird for me to write.

i try to release my automatic instinct to view that as an egotistic statement. or narcissism. i have to work to remember that it's the very opposite of that. it is the challenge of releasing ego and desire and comparison and jealousy and fear and the need to be nothing other than my authentic self.

in my blog binging, i gravitate toward that message. and in following some of my favorite spiritual teachers on twitter (new favorite thing) i came across this quote -- "self love is the answer to every problem." at first i was like ha, riiight. that's a little over simplified, don't you think? but dude, it's true. lately a few of my close friends have come to me for advice about various things but as i listen and we exchange thoughts i realize that is exactly what it always comes back to - we all need to love ourselves more.

we need to love ourselves enough to set boundaries even though they are difficult. we need to love ourselves enough to take our power back. we need to love ourselves enough to see that we are worth more than what we're settling for. sometimes, and especially in relationships, it's so easy to forget yourself. to get caught up in the lust and attraction and the part of you that another person feeds. and it sounds so cliche but it's so true - only YOU can make you happy. my therapist has told me that more than a few times. you have to love you first.

so all that sounds so awesome to say and the idea of it is so lovely, but how? that was my question. and remains to be my question on some days when i can't seem to locate my silence. you know, that inner part of yourself that already knows the answers to all of your questions. your intuition. your heart. god. whatever you want to call it. you already know. but getting there is the difficult part. to me, it seems that if you become aware of your thoughts, really pay attention to them, acknowledge them when they float into your mind, look at them, watch them spin, thank them for coming, allow them to leave. once you slow yourself enough to look at what is coming in... you have a good idea of what's between you and your silence.

is it a person? a job? a drug? a thought? an affirmation? a negative self image? fear? look at it. send it love. that guy that broke your heart or hurt your feelings? i know he's an asshole right now, but send him love. your friend who betrayed your confidence or said something that really hurt you? send her love. your boss doesn't appreciate all of the work you're doing and doesn't even know how much you sacrifice? send her love. that drug wants to take you over, it is trying to sabotage your life and your mind and your happiness. send it love. if you can't stop thinking bad thoughts about yourself, the way you look, the way you parent, the way you've been slacking on your friendships... look at your thoughts, send them love. LET THEM GO.

i honestly can't tell you how much this has helped me. i have a chalkboard in my kitchen and the phrase i most often write on it (until zoe scribbles right through it) is - locate your silence. actually, the fact that zoe scribbles over it is kind of perfect. i can still see the words through the scribble. and you have to still be able to hear your voice through chaos, and fear, and difficulty. you have to learn how to access it when you feel like you can't, that's exactly when you need it the most, right? but really, the practice of observing my thoughts, sending them love, and watching them disappear has been life changing for me. please try it and let me know how it works for you.

once you have cleared out your mind space a little bit... focus on you. do something that feeds you. your mind, your body, your soul. read something that inspires you, watch a documentary that brings perspective to your life, go for a jog, take a yoga class, meditate, carve out some quiet moments with friends who lift you up, who make you laugh, who support you. if we want to be the best people we can be - the best parents, lovers, spouses, friends, givers, supporters - we have to be full first so that we can give from a place of having something TO give. i've heard an analogy of looking at it as a love tank -- you have to fill it up first before you get busy giving it all away -- then what are you left with? and if you're giving from an empty place, you can assure yourself that your boundaries aren't healthy either. and you'll be attracting people whose tanks are on empty too. if you're full, you can give with no expectation of receiving anything, and you'll attract people who are in a similar place. then you can compliment each other instead of completing each other.

i can genuinely say it's been transformational - the conscious choice to locate my silence. to replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts. to be easy on myself. to look at whats in my mind and love it away. and then to respect myself enough to create healthy connections with everyone in my life. it automatically "weeds out" the people and things that bring you down, and brings forth people who honor you and love you for you who are. and you're full - so you can reciprocate that love in all your connections, and it feels so. much. better. 

sending love to you all.

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