reflections, resolutions, and making the best of what's around.

the first of january has come and gone. in fact, almost two months have passed since i've written at all. i'm not one for dramatic new years resolutions but do love everything about new years. new days. new moments, in fact. i become pretty reflective when i find myself in a new year and i think a lot about what i do, what i love, and how i can do it better. how i can be more present and grateful and aware and how i can take what i've learned and where i am to continue the climb (up, up, up). i'm the type of person who always self evaluates and always wants more for myself. this is both a blessing and a curse, because i'm also hardly ever satisfied. i'm hard on myself, but when i find myself being too hard on myself, i try to at least make it productive.

my main resolution, which i decided on a few weeks before new years and made guidelines and parameters and boundaries for - is, in a sentence, to never be too busy to spend time with the people i love. the past couple of years i've taken on far too much work. i've said yes entirely too many times and stretched myself too thin. among being too busy, at times, to just BE with the people i love... i also end up exhausted, a little bitter, uninspired, and upset with myself that i don't have better boundaries. so that will be different in 2012. and i'm so happy about it. i've created boundaries that making saying no a no-brainer. i won't list them all but i've created a schedule of sorts so that i have lots more time to be with, take care of, and cherish my family and myself. it's so important. nurturing yourself and your personal work is so essential and important to staying inspired and loving what you do, anyhow, so i think it can only do good things for my work too - so cheers to that!

the past couple days, i've of course been thinking of resolutions i could have made. or changes i've been meaning to work on. and then i realized that just because it's not new years day anymore doesn't mean i still can't. i can change anything i want, any day that i want to change it. that's the beauty of free will, right?

on new years eve i was feverishly packing for a trip to mexico. i was sad about leaving zoe and as usual had waited until the last possible second to get everything together. i was cycling laundry and creating piles and making lists and simultaneously putting all that off to steal another minute with zoe before she went to bed. we were leaving before she'd wake up in the morning so the nighttime were our last moments before we'd leave and wouldn't see her for a week. i don't know that we've ever gone that long without seeing her. even our honeymoon wasn't that long. so i was anxious and a bit sad but really excited. we finished everything and watched the ball drop, felt old watching lady gaga look really outrageous and dick clarke, so orange. we kissed when the clock struck midnight which was slightly awkward with my mom sitting right there (she was spending the night to be with zoe in the morning). it was all hilariously perfect in it's own right. but what i'm saying is - midnight was kind of anti-climactic with all the other things that were going on, plus i already had my 'resolution.'

so while i'm typically wildly reflective on new years eve and new years day i was busy preparing for mexico and then new years day we were traveling and getting settled. so it hasn't been until now that i'm really reviewing the past year and thinking about the new one. i can say, fairly certainly, that 2011 was the most challenging year of my life. and i've learned a lot. grown a lot. cried a lot. laughed a lot. a lot has happened that has shaped the way that i think and the way that i choose to move forward. and mostly, the choice to let go and live.

things have changed for me - from friendships to my relationship with myself. so maybe i'm the different one - i've craved more and more solitude. kind of connecting with my inner introvert and pulling a lot of energy from quiet contemplation and less from socializing. it's been a shift that i've enjoyed, although when friendships and people change, i have a hard time with that, because i do enjoy the comfort, familiarity, and tradition of loving and knowing people. i've always been told that as you grow up, your friends are fewer and farther between. for some silly reason, i thought i'd be an exception to that rule. i have friends from since i was a baby, and pride myself on keeping in touch with everyone i ever loved. in 2012, i'm going to try not to focus so much on what has changed and how my friendships with some of my closest friends are different in a way that i can't seem to understand - but maybe how that evolution is supposed to be that way. and that's okay too. ebb and flow, baby.

and speaking of ebb and flow -- one of the greatest lessons i've learned this year from which i created an affirmation that i literally repeat at LEAST five times a day. behold:

i trust the ebb and flow of life, love, and relationships. 

seriously. so powerful. try it on.

while i'm on this stream of consciousness ramble, another thought - i want need to do more yoga. i got into a work out kick, burned myself out, and dropped it. and then i remember that stretching, deep breathing, mindful poses, and remembering to be present to stillness --- that's all that's ever worked for me. maybe i'm never going to be a bodypump girl, or a kickboxer, a weighlifter, or a runner (although i'd really like to be, because pushing through discomfort to move forward and achieve a goal is similar in a meditative way and really appeals to me) --- yoga and meditation, it's what i always come back to. it always works. i always feel my best when i'm creating some devotional time. to the quiet peaceful voice within my chaotic mind and igniting all the ligaments of my body with the energy that flows so powerfully when i practice yoga. point after ramble: i want to do this more in 2012. like three to four times a week kind of more. cheers, again. (wish i had a mimosa).

and finally, to write. maybe not every single day, but most days. not always pages of mind cleaning (like today), maybe just a sentence, or just a word. maybe just a picture, and a thought. but something... maybe i should try to do it every single day. and just see what happens. okay, every day but sunday. done. thanks for helping me make that one, little blog. that was cool. and if i want to write on sunday, i can. (fear of commitment, much?)

that was helpful. i loved that. i'm glad this place is here. i hope anyone who this reaches is finding themselves renewed and refreshed in this brand new year and inspired by not just the new year but the power to choose in each new moment - breathe, start again. choose love.

i love you all. xo.