today.

no, no, i don't want to break when i speak
i don't want to shake while i'm standing
i don't want to crawl into another hole
i don't know what i'm hiding for
no, i don't want to fall when i stand
i don't want to have to hold your hand
i just want to be the girl i use to be when i was me and worry free
i know these burdens are my own

but i cant keep on running
no i just cant keep on running away from here
i know that the only way to beat it is by fighting my every fear
i'm not going to make it 'til i turn around and face it alone, i know
i can't keep on running, no i just can't keep on running away
so it stops today

so here i am, i'm taking my first step
thought i was losing balance but i caught myself
i kind of like the challenge, no i don't need help
i'm going to make it past the very start
its always been my hardest part

but i'm going to stay in control
i must admit this crutch is getting old
i am going to throw it right out of my hand
i'm finally here, i understand
i know i'll get there on my own

you can hide from all the pain
but it will find you anyway
yes, i know, now i know

that i can't keep on running
no i just cant keep on running away from here
i know that the only way to beat it is by fighting my every fear
im not going to make it til i turn around and face it alone, i know
that i cant keep on running, no i just cant keep on running away
so it stops today...

-colbie caillat


this song came on pandora today & it spoke to me. at certain points in my life, when things got really hard, i'd run away - not so much physically, but in my mind. i never liked setting dates, and permanence, and forevers, and stress, and feeling inadequate and anxious.... and fear. that's what it all came from. but sometimes i didn't see that. when a boyfriend got annoying, i'd distance myself. when college got hard, i would skip class. when i committed to something but didn't feel like doing it, i postpone. or as my close friends in college endearingly called it - bojangling. stepping up to the plate when things got messy was not exactly my strong point.

it's funny because now i live by my calendar. i have a kid. i'm married. i live in a house that we bought. i own and run my own business. i find myself challenged and humbled and frustrated and grateful and happy every day. and i made all of these choices, and i love them. there is something about having a baby that cures you immediately from running away from things when it gets hard. well for one, you can't. which is good. but you don't want to... which is better.

for the first time in my life, through being a mom and being a wife - i've feel like i'm constantly facing things that i fear and trying to make the things i don't like about myself go away (or get smaller anyway). i wake up with the intention to be a better person, to have more patience, to come from a place of love and compassion, and to remember to enjoy the moments that are passing. i love and appreciate the intention that i choose to live with. i'm not saying that some days aren't harder than others and that i don't sometimes fantasize about the easy carefree life i once lived. but the rewards of laying nose to nose and watching your baby fall asleep, and then slinking into bed with a person you love and falling asleep feeling warm and secure and most of all, loved... it doesn't get any better. and when your baby wakes you up and says i love you, mommy and kisses your forehead - you forget everything they did the day before that made you think you were going to completely lose your mind.

it's unconditional love - at its finest.

and what's interesting is that all the things i've feared in my life, have come and beat me over the head a million times until i finally HEAR them. i'm listening - commitment, patience, compassion, action, ego, balance... i really do hear you. my life has made it clear to me that until i master these certain life lessons, they are just going to keep showing up. this is both annoying and life changing. and since it's life changing in a good way - i'm learning to deal with the annoyance.

so the song brought me back to a place that i was a few years ago, but also a place that i slip into every once in awhile on a hard day. it reminded me that it feels good to face things alone and with the strength that i've cultivated and the love that i've found. to dig deep and to face the challenge of staying balanced and centered is exhausting and exhilarating and so completely and totally worth it.

and speaking of exhausting and exhilarating and so completely worth it - i'm writing zoe's birth story (yes, two and a half years later... ok i'm still a bit of a bojangler) so stay tuned for that.