the expectations of expecting.

i thought today would be different. let me preface all of this by saying - i am not pregnant. now that we got that out of the way, onward... today is march 14th. since i heard the date about nine months ago, it has become a date that i won't forget.

[please excuse the need to display a stick i peed on in an artistic way. i can't help myself].

today was supposed to be my due date. it's crazy how the moment you see the results of a pregnancy test, the thoughts start flowing. you can't help them, they just manifest in your mind. i'm so excited, i can't believe how fast it happened, zoe will be 2 and a half when the baby is born, a spring baby - that will be fun, i'll get to be pregnant in the winter this time, zoe is going to be the best big sister, but she won't be my only baby anymore, i need to make time for just us once the baby comes, i wonder if she's going to be jealous, good thing we have that extra room upstairs, i wonder how i'll decorate, oh good my car will fit two carseats, we should try to potty train zoe by then so we don't have two kids in diapers, i can't wait to watch zoe see the baby for the first time, and to give birth again... the thoughts expanded and multiplied. but mostly... i was so excited. 


i called my midwives and scheduled my first doctors appointment. it was a little over a month from the time i found out i was pregnant. in the weeks that passed i thought about it constantly. it's just what happens when you're pregnant. i am not the biggest planner in the world, but all of these expectations were already building. i had an easy pregnancy with zoe, and this one seemed to be following suit. the only thing i really noticed was how tired i was. i would nap with zoe every day, and i really needed it. zoe would put her hand on my belly, it was like she knew. i mentioned it to her once or twice, but didn't want to get into it until i was bigger and she could understand a little bit better. but all the while, i just had a feeling. a something-isn't-quite-right feeling.

i was 9 weeks and 6 days on the day of my appointment. jesse was by my side. we talked with the midwife, i took another test, she confirmed i was indeed pregnant, and we started the usual beginning of pregnancy conversation. we talked about prenatal vitamins, how my last pregnancy was mostly normal and easy, and the delivery was nothing short of perfect. so i was fairly confident this time that i knew what to expect. she sent in the ultrasound tech and turned off the lights and i laid down. jesse held my hand.

she scanned my belly and had the screen turned towards her. she was silent for much too long. i squeezed jesse's hand. i asked her what was going on but... her silence had already told me everything i needed to know. she said well... it's not looking too good right now. i squeezed jesse's hand a little tighter. she explained to me that the baby stopped growing around 7 and a half weeks and that the pregnancy wasn't viable. she asked me if i had any questions and told me that she was so sorry and i couldn't get any words out. i shook my head and said it's okay through my clenched throat and held back tears. i couldn't look at jesse until she walked out of the room and then we both just held each other and cried. everything we'd built in our head was broken.


[i was taking a photo a day during this time for the 365 project. we took this photo for that day in mid-august when we found out. there were no words.]

i had already told most of my family and some of my close friends that i was expecting, so i wrote everyone and told them what happened and that i wasn't ready to talk about it. i got lots of short but very sweet notes, and what struck me more than anything is that almost every woman had experienced it too. almost all of them said, that happened to me before [insert name of a child that i had grown to know and love] was born. there was something so powerful that came with hearing that. i couldn't imagine those families, those mamas, without the kids that came after their miscarriages. there was a silver lining telling me that this was meant to be. that the baby that was meant for me wasn't ready yet. and with it came an abiding peace and with the loss and grief that i felt, i really did feel like it happened for a reason.

in the time between then and now, i have grieved but mostly i have let go. and i've learned a lot about expectations. funny that they call it expecting. i affirm that when i release my expectations, i am aware of everything i do have, and not focused on what i don't, why i don't, and how that has disappointed me. it helps me just be. just know that things are the way they are for reasons that i may not be able to understand or to see the big picture of. but if i release everything that was built in my mind, and just focus on what is, the pain goes away.

i took a good long look at my life in that moment. i had a life partner who loved me. i had a healthy almost-two-year-old who lit up our lives. we all had each other and everything we needed. and i was going to be okay.

but still, as i felt this day approaching, i thought about it. i pondered the vision of how my life may have looked so much different over the past months and how this day (or some day close to it) would have changed our lives forever. but mostly i am thankful for and accepting of the experience that changed the way i feel about expectations. the experience that helped me, even more, to live in the now.

i am not looking for any pity, and i am not sad. i'm really and truly not. i just wanted to share my experience because now, i can talk about it. i've come past it and although it was difficult, it was a step in my journey that i honor. it was another one of my teachers.

so thank you march 14th and this experience in its entirety, for reminding me to be here now. to be thankful for all the moments that we do have, for reminding me not to build expectations in my mind for the future, but to be thankful for the present. and most of all, for knowing that there is a greater plan. one that i have no control over and one that i have to surrender completely to, so that i can really enjoy it. i know when the time comes for us to have another baby, we will. and when i hold them, i'll have an even deeper understanding of what was meant to be.

but for now, we're here:

and i love here.