love > fear.

there are women who love women, connect with women, support women, relate to women, and know that despite our many differences, we really do have a lot in common. then, there are women who love to hate other women. to be jealous, to go out of their way to try to show they are better than them, to know more, or to point out vulnerabilities to make themselves feel better. to me this stems from one thing - fear. of what? i'm not sure because i can't for the life of me figure out why, when women uniting can be the most powerful beautiful thing, why on earth so many women want to separate themselves from each other.

when i see a beautiful woman, i see just that: a beautiful woman. i say wow, she's beautiful. i don't say what a b%&*#, look how much time she spends on herself, she's probably totally self centered and shallow. and she's probably mean. i don't say that because that's assuming, all of these things that i don't know, all of them negative, all of them for no reason at all.

i remember when i was younger, and i would meet lots of girls in school. after i got to know them better they'd say, i thought you were such a bitch before i met you. it always made my heart sink into my stomach. then they'd follow it up with it's just because you're pretty. but i'm glad i talked to you because you're so nice. i don't know if that made it worse or better. i pretty much hated it. every time i'd ask why? was it something i did or said or was i not smiling enough? i'm a bad fake smiler. what am i doing wrong? because i didn't want people to think i was mean. i'm not mean. and i don't think i'm too cool, in fact, i've struggled with insecurity my entire life. like most everyone, i suppose.

but that always stuck with me. i didn't ever want to give that first impression. i wanted people to see me how i saw other people. just as i am, for who i am, not who they thought i might be. so fast forward a few years, and add on a little bit more self acceptance and hopefully some confidence. i found out i was pregnant. i was shocked, but more on that later. as my belly grew, oh... the dirty looks i got. i look young for my age, and i'm trying to be cool with that, but i'm still not. anyway, i'm sure people thought i was 12. for real. you should have seen the shock and horror on women's faces. mostly older women. they would go so far as to tell me i didn't look old enough to be pregnant, that they thought i was still in high school, and then tell me horrible birth stories. (can someone tell me why in the world people feel the need to share traumatizing birth stories with pregnant women?) so this happened all the time with women, but never men, never. they would actually jog up and hold the door open, smile with compassion. they probably thought i was 12 too, but at least they didn't hate me for it. (by the way, i was 22).

so it made me a little sad. but i thought, psh, when i finally have this baby they'll all respect me then. because i have a kid. everybody respects a woman with a child, right? ha... that was funny. i probably get 50 times more dirty looks and snickers and under-the-breath comments and then there are the people who just tell me point blank, i'm not old enough to be a mom. and for whatever reason, every single time, i am silent. in my head i'm screaming, "it's not like i'm 10 years old for god's sake... i'm 25! and married! and i have a college degree! and i'm a good mom! and i try really hard!" but i don't say anything at all. i just let them have that moment of HA, i'm big and you're small. which led me to the idea that maybe i should make a t-shirt that says:

ya know, just as a disclaimer. because i'm a nice girl. and i don't judge people i don't know. because that just doesn't make any sense. so lately it's been happening more and more. i'm not sure if it's because zoe's getting older and so it's that much more shocking. but in all honesty, like the whole point of my blog, what you focus on expands. and i've been focusing on it. i've been fearing it. i've been ready for it. i'm hyper-aware as it is, i hear everything and see people's body language and notice things that most people are oblivious to (i wish this wasn't the case). but, i really think i am drawing it to me. and so i want to let it go. and so i am... (trying). (really hard). (really, really hard).

and when i got to hold my sleeping girl last night and just stare at her, which is such a rarity now a days, i thought who CARES what they think. i am so glad she's mine.

and today when she so intently adorned herself in peace and love stickers - i got the metaphor.

oh, i love her more than anything. and if all those women could know what we share and not judge me on the kind of mother they think i might be, they would know that too. and so all the women out there... i challenge you to look at women and smile. a real one. and send them some love, because they deserve it, and so do you. and so i'm imagining...

a world where women come together. with love, and compassion, and real raw emotion, and laughter, and we relate, share, love. really love. and we let go of the fear that comes with not knowing and we stop judging and we just see people as they really are. imperfect and beautiful and women.

and when those wise little eyes looked up at me like this, i knew it had to be so. and i promised myself that i would not wait to be judged or looked down upon, i would confidently go forth and SMILE and know that everyone is fighting their own battle. but i'm going to choose love today, and every day.