i know one thing for certain.

i couldn't have dreamed up a family and group of friends better than the ones i can call mine. today i feel blessed, humbled, appreciative, and loved. i didn't sit down intending to write anything about this but... we don't intend for a lot of things to happen and... such is life. through starting this blog, it's really helped me to take some time for myself, often times when the rest of the house is asleep, and think about my life and the way i choose to lead it. when it's still and quiet, i can curl up in this old wooden chair with a big blanket and a glass of wine and just talk. and all of you who take the time to listen, to empathize, and to share all of your kind words and pieces of your life with me, too... i really can't begin tell you how much i appreciate you.

so my goal in starting this wasn't to write these tear-jerking drama stories every day. seriously, it wasn't. i mean i know i have a lot to say and i know i'm an open person. i know that being vulnerable is hard but i know that it's the only way i know how to be. i know that from being open and honest, i've made lasting friendships that mean something. i know that by sharing my life, uninhibited, with the people closest to me, it's made me who i am and it's made our relationships what they are. i started this blog in an attempt to extend what i experience on a day to day level - to our family that's far away and with my friends who felt like listening to me ramble. it's expanded my connection to people i've never met and and people i've only had the pleasure of talking to once or twice. it's been shared and re-posted, it's been read in ten countries, and just after starting a little bit over two weeks ago, this little blog has been viewed almost 2,000 times. that humbles me beyond belief. and it humbles me even greater to get the sweet notes from people thanking me for sharing myself. no... thank you for sharing yourself and your time with me. seriously.

i read somewhere that if you're going to blog, be yourself. talk like you would talk to your best friend or your sister. be real, people know sugar-coated lives when they see them. and no one likes to read about the life we all wish we had. people long for human connection, to relate, to think ah, me too! so i am normal after all.... or to feel something. to think something new. to be inspired. to laugh. to cry. to lose themselves for a minute. but most of all, to connect. at least, that's what i seek. and maybe you do too. and maybe that's why you're here. but, whatever your reason for taking time out of your busy life to read my little words.... thank you. i appreciate you. truly, i do.

another piece of advice i read when i started blogging was define your boundaries. i read one place that you should do this before you write your first entry. and i read another place that you could do it as you went along. see how you felt about what you were writing and if you didn't feel comfortable sharing it, don't. that's how i roll. i don't like to set up limits before i've even begun something. that doesn't make sense to me.  so i've been putting off blogging for the past couple of days because i thought what was really going in my life was beyond the boundaries that i'd thought about thinking about setting. (that's right). i know i've shared some "deep" stuff on here. some private stuff and some sad stuff and some random stuff and some cute pictures of my girl. but i wanted more light and less heavy, i think. i wanted to expand love, ya know? to realize that my life was filled with all this light fluffy funny colorful stuff. and it is! and i love how much more of it i've noticed lately. and even through heavy stuff, i've seen light. and that's what's important.

so.... deep breath. here goes. four days after i wrote this post, and the morning after i wrote this post, i found out i was pregnant. after what happened before, i had mixed emotions. i was excited, but i was reluctant to let myself be excited. but it was still there, i was still excited. i ran downstairs and half way down yelled to jesse you were right! and i heard i knew it! and then i realized he was on the toilet. we laughed at how when we found out that's what we'd remember. but then he came out and put on angel by jack johnson and picked up zoe and grabbed me and we danced to the song that one of my best friends and my dad sang to us at our wedding. he got a tear in his eyes when he looked at me and sang she can make angels, i've seen it with my own eyes... you've got to be careful when you've got good love 'cause the angels will just keep on multiplying. i smiled big and we hugged each other really tight, zoe in the middle. we were both scared. but for now, we were going to have our moment.

i told my parents and a couple of my super close friends i was pregnant. i did it reluctantly, adding, but i'm still a little scared after what happened last time. so, we'll see... three days later, i started getting signs that it was going to happen again. i was spotting. and that happened with zoe and i went on to have a normal pregnancy and beautiful birth, i reminded myself. but it also happened last time, and last time didn't work. i wanted to be prepared, but i wanted to be hopeful. i didn't want to be shocked, but i didn't want to dwell on it. i was obsessing. i couldn't help it. every time i went to pee i was just waiting for it. i knew in my gut what was coming. i woke up drenched in sweat in the middle of the night with cramps. they came and went and they weren't bad. nothing more was happening but i was still panicked. i couldn't sleep. i snuggled closer to jesse and tried to breathe deeper. i was anxious and feeling in between and scared and just wanting to be sure one way or the other. the next day i was at lunch with some friends. some old and some new. and it happened. right at the end of our lunch my stomach just filled with knots. it was pain. for sure. it was there. and i knew it. we finished up and i left and i went home and it happened. i won't go into detail (you're welcome) but i knew it was over.

over the course of the rest of the day i told all the people i'd just told that i was pregnant days before, that i wasn't anymore. it sucked and it was uncomfortable but, it was real. and their support ended up being such a beautiful illustration of the family and friends i feel so blessed to have. here i was, again, feeling lost. sad. but mostly, numb. i'm twenty-five years old, i had a perfectly normal pregnancy before, how could this be happening again? maybe i'm going to be one of those miracle cases where the women go through this and then miraculously continue the pregnancy and go on to have a healthy baby. no... not this time. but as far as emotion, i didn't feel anything. i wasn't shocked this time so there was no definitive moment where anything happened. i kind of knew it was happening and then it did and there i was. numb is really the best way to describe it. numb and empty.

but then the sun set. and so did my heart. (that was cheesy). i can't explain what happened, but i'm sure it had something to do with the huge hormonal shift that swiftly and drastically took place in my body. i felt so deeply broken. we put zoe to bed and jesse and i sat on the couch and i just cried. slow tears. and he held me and i just didn't get it. i couldn't believe i was here again. but in the same breath i could. one in five reported pregnancies end in miscarriage. and just because you have one, doesn't mean you got your one in five out of the way. still, the next time, your odds are still one in five. and so i rolled the dice. and it landed on not right now again. and that's life. and it's hard. but through my tears and through my broken-ness i couldn't help but talk about how blessed i felt to have the support that i did. a husband who was rubbing my feet and wiping away my tears. a mom that i could call who was there in 10 minutes taking care of zoe so i could plant myself firmly on the couch and let this process take over. a sister who didn't say any words but just rubbed my shoulders as soon as she saw me. a step-dad who looked so sincerely into my eyes and told me he was sorry and gave me a really good hug. and friends who told me they wished they could take my pain away and that they loved me and brought me oreos and my favorite tea and came and hung out and took my mind to a happy place. and a daughter, who in her infinite wisdom, knew she was needed. she showered me with so many extra tender kisses and long hugs and instead of coming in my room this morning and crying because her daddy wasn't there you know what she said? good morning mommy. you know... i love you so much. and then she climbed into bed, hugged me & kissed my cheek, got down and said i should help you get up and wrapped her sweet little hand around my thumb and pulled me upright and said let's go have breakfast tah-geh-der. NO KIDDING. that happened. so at the end of the day today, i am so grateful. so, so grateful. i may not have everything i want, because i really wanted it to be so, but i have everything i need. and i have a kick ass group of beautiful souls in my circle. and i love them all to the ends of the earth.

and so there it is. that's what's really been happening the past couple days. that little up and down ride, it happened fast but it happened. it was real and it hurt like hell but it came for a reason and everything has it's beautiful moments if you just look hard enough.

and beautiful moment number one. this sweet little light that shines so bright that even in my darkest moments, i can see beauty. and laughter. and love.


being able to add some more of the sweetest two-year-old strung together phrases ever to this book that i cherish. i wrote down the i love you so much, & you make me so happy, & you are my fav-it in the wearld, & i wanna be the baby & the snuggle me on the couch & you know what mom, you are beau-full...

how can i not smile watching the wonder in her eyes.

or this face. seriously?!

and on a lighter note, i've gotten pretty good at making animals out of clay. here is a snake per zoe's request.

and a mouse. i was mid-whisker making when she smushed him. it's cool.

for dinner tonight we tried something brand new... because that always makes me feel good. and turning this:

into this:

is always magic for me. but i could have never done it without my sous chef. seriously, every time we're cooking she runs in, let me help you! i'm such a good helper! we obviously let her, and she is a really good helper.

even though she tends to put her feet on the counter. we're working on that.

and finally, a screen-shot from my desktop. [photo of jesse & i by kristen gardner] clearly it's a partial screen shot because right above our noses and to our immediate left and right, is filled with a trillion folders and random photos that i desperately need to organize. today when i was pulling photos from my camera to my desktop i didn't know what folder i'd named what so i just named it i'm a girl. ...okay, ali.

but oh i love that quote. especially the bolded part. and god can be whoever/whatever you want it to be. but we all have a light. and as i get ready to snuggle on the couch with jesse and watch our DVR'd episode of tonight's modern family, (internally squealing with delight!) i am glad that i'm sharing little pieces of myself with you. and that you're sharing pieces of yourself and your time with me. and that we're looking for the good even when it's not so easy to see. and like one of my favorite songs of all time says... we're here to be the light. we're here to share the light.