to nap or not to nap.

we're going through this phase where zoe needs a nap but doesn't want one. i'm usually pretty good at the you can't always get what you want lesson but i'm kind of starting to think she's really outgrowing naps. i was under the impression that this happened at four... not two. if you're a mom, you know naps are sacred ground. you go go go all day because you know naptime will come. you can enjoy the energy of loud playful kids and messes and meal times and laughter and meltdowns because you know there is always the great quiet glory of naps. this is not to say i don't enjoy being awake and alive and happy with my girl, because you know i do. but i like quiet. i like to actually get something done from start to finish. and even if that just means returning my emails, doing the dishes, and taking a shower - it's still a nice little mid-day refresher. but these days, we're kissing it goodbye.

funny thing i heard one day: on some show they were claiming that stay-at-home-mom's have forty or more hours of free time. all stay at home moms are now either seething with anger or erupting into laughter. this is just simply bullshit not true. but a lady on the show described it perfectly: that's like saying you have five dollars. but it's all in pennies, and they are all getting thrown at your head. how perfect is that analogy?!

anyway, she's not really ready for a nap until 1:30 or 2, so if she wakes up at 3:30 or 4 that means she's not really tired enough to go to bed until 9:30 or 10... and well, that's not cool. i think i much prefer going all day, dealing with the 15 minute 5PM melt down, having dinner and enjoying this fun burst of happy sweet energy and then an 8PM bedtime and she'll sleep a solid 12 hours. incase you were curious about my schedule. i know it's interesting! but i'm hoping that the 5PM meltdown will slowly transition out and we'll have all day freedom which is pretty fun, too. [people with experience with this... please share insights/thoughts! am i on the right track here or am i sleep depriving my child?] but right now, if we go anywhere in the car after 3 or so she passes OUT. and i mean can not wake her no matter how excited and giddy i make my voice sound out. and then we're back at 10PM bedtimes. today she fell asleep on the way to my mom's. i was totally just going to wake her back up but my mom completely melted when she saw her asleep and was like no no no, pleeeeease let me hold her. this is meditative. and i know it is. i didn't really want to give her up. there is no feeling like sleeping baby on your chest. nothing better in all the land.

and with this came 10PM bedtime. but it was actually pretty awesome. jesse is in vegas with 15 guys for a bachelor party (cheers to it not ending like the hangover!) and so it was just me and the girl. we took a bubble bath and got in our pj's and she picked out a my little pony as a bedtime snuggle toy and picked out an extra long book about unicorns. i read to her and she nestled her little head into me and just as she was falling asleep jesse called from vegas. i picked up and was telling him we were in bed. with her eyes half open she goes what you talkin' to? and i said daddy, you wanna say hi? and she said yeah, i do. i laid the phone on her ear and they had these sweet little conversation. hi daddy... yeah.... i'm thleepin'.... the whole time her eyes were closed but you could tell she was so soothed by his voice. and then at the end... love you. so comfortable and sweet. and so we chatted for a minute and i hung up and i fell asleep with her for a bit. it was a good 10PM bedtime. silver lining, baby. and some more sweet daddy love...

[i think they were making an m&m in that picture - see below].

so that's it. we're having a girls weekend and i'm conquering my fear of being alone in the dark. it's ridiculous but as soon as i got home i turned on every single light plus music. the dark really freaks me out and without jesse next to me in bed i will probably sleep in a bright room. no wait, conquering fears. that's right. i will probably just wake up every time the house slightly creaks and then remember i don't live in the ghetto. and it is a townhouse. and it's probably my neighbor. or the heat. or our refrigerator. not a ghost, or a robber. and if my dogs bark at nothing i'm gonna lose it. but more on that later.

and for a happy zoe creation of the week... her and jesse somehow discovered that you can create your own m&m character. this is her new favorite thing so i thought i'd share a couple recent ones. and i'll share more at some point because they are getting funnier by the day.

wish me luck for being a big girl and letting go of my fear of darkness and being alone. i am a grown up. i am a grown up. i am a grown up. goodnight, friends!