word therapy, people i miss, ice cream, and being a mom. random at it's finest.

my house is still and quiet. i even turned off pandora just to bask in it. zoe is deep asleep after our snuggle session under a jersey sheet reading zoe and her zebra and the book of opposites and jesse is out on a st. patrick's day man date probably drinking one too many car bombs for his 5AM wake up tomorrow. as much as i eat up our living room dates after bedtime, i love my alone time too. i probably should have taken a bubble bath and read a good book or written in one of my 17 journals of which i have filled out three pages in each. but instead i looked at all the photos from this beautiful sunshiny day and am going to have a word vomit session. just as good, i say.

the beginning of spring is approaching and it's bringing up a lot for me. many good things like feeling the sunshine on my face. having the undeniable desire to roll the windows down and turn up the music. seeking out new bands that make me stop and dance. ice cream and farmers markets. the thought of leaves and green soft grass and bare feet and tank tops. smelling like sunscreen. laying zoe's sun-kissed body down in bed after a long day of playing outside and watching her fall asleep within three deep breaths. the perfect brown tone that jesse's skin gets as soon as the sun comes out. and the good dose of vitamin d that just makes everything seem better. but there are difficult things too. one of my best friends passed away when we were 16 and i miss her so much lately it makes my heart ache. as the clock passes midnight and it's officially your birthday, i love you my friend and i think about you all the time. 


and my grandpa, who was my biggest fan and my favorite person in the world passed away on the day after spring began almost five years ago. and every time i hear that damn the house that built me song i lose it. but more on that later, because i'm going to write about him on the 21st and i just can't do it to myself twice in one week.

i'm feeling so torn in my heart and i guess i wasn't really sure why, but this little therapy session i'm having with myself is helping me figure it out. so i got that going for me. i want spring but watching the calendar come closer to those two days that hurt my heart make me a little reluctant. because some days i want to go back to being 16, and having my best friend that i loved exactly like a sister, and no real worries. and no big responsibilities. and i still had my grandpa and life was good and everything was so easy. and carefree. and happy. and there weren't any big traumas yet. and i liked it like that.

and it's easy to want to go back to those days when reality gets hard. when things aren't all rainbows and butterflies. when you have to pull up your bootstraps and face life head-on and you can't just run away like a kid. you have to face it and be a grown up and look at your shit and figure out how to make it better.

zoe is doing this new thing where she wakes up every morning, even though she knows jesse isn't going to be there because he's already gone for work, but she comes in our room and screams out daddddyyy in this longing morning angry squeal and then proceeds to completely melt down for a few minutes until she fully wakes up and realizes that we can have fun together, too.

it sucks.

i am not a morning person. and i know what you're thinking. you're a mom. get over it. but when she was a baby and up until literally a couple weeks ago, mornings were our thing. when she was a mini she would lay in bed with me for an hour and nurse and snuggle and it was the sweetest way to wake up. how can you have a bad day when it starts like that? and then she got bigger and even after she stopped nursing, she would come in and just snuggle and laugh and talk kind of mindlessly, waking up as she went along. i loved it. she would tell me she was so happy to see me, and she loved me so much, and give me lots of cheek kisses, and occasionally she would run in with a maraca and throw it in my head's general direction and tell me she was hungry, but more often than not - we had a love thing going on in the morning.

so... it's a little rough to be completely asleep and wake up to this loud screech and have someone standing there basically saying damnittttt, you are NOT the person i wanted to see. so as the past few days have passed i keep thinking she'll wake up the next day and realize before she walks in that daddy won't be there but.... it ain't happenin. so clearly i need to do something different. tomorrow i'm going to try waking up before her so that if all this daddy withdrawal happens in the morning, it's not the very first thing that happens in the day because seriously - it's just like having your cornflakes peed in. so wish me luck with that one. we also had this awesome talk tonight when we were snuggling and i reminded her that he'd already be at work when she woke up so it would just be me and her in the morning. she said oh, that'd be fun! (as if it doesn't happen daily) ...so, we'll see how it goes!

but i feel guilty for complaining even just the tiniest bit. the other 99.9% of the day, she blows me away with her thoughtfulness and her kind little words and her belly laugh. she makes me want to live with more intention and to make myself the best person i can be. for real. and there are hard times. when i feel like i'm doing a constant role playing about how to talk without whining. and whining for me is akin to scratching nails on a chalkboard. and some days every little thing will just set her off. or she'll be testing the boundaries every time i turn around. but that's part of being a mom. and there are times when i need a reminder about just how important this time is. because it can be challenging and exhausting and make you question yourself and if you're doing things right or if you're trying your hardest. and for me, that's what it really is. am i doing my best? and if at the end of the day, i can say yes, then i'll be good. but that's the thing with mamahood. i feel like there is always room for improvement and there is always something i can do better. and i have always been a person who wants to live with intention, and i can surely say that being a mom has made me want to do that more consistently than anything else in my life.

and so. i keep learning.

and i remember to get her an ice cream cone and cover it with sprinkles and enjoy the beautiful weather.

girl is smitten with some ice cream. or ice-meem in zoe speak. whenever she utters the word it is followed by i neeeeeed it.

and i loved, so much, watching her tell me how good the sun felt and lifting her head up to the sky to soak it in. that's my girl.

embracing the new.

i loved watching her curiously explore a new place and tell me that she was too big to climb trees but to see her feel so proud of climbing up on this big stump all by herself. and her look of wonder as she seemingly appreciated every tiny bit of happy around us.


the last little bit of one of my favorite things... the silhouette of bare trees against blue skies. leaves coming soon.

ice cream mustaches and just hanging out with my family. love love love.


watching the love between these two. i really can't get enough of it. the way she just folds up in his arms and is so safe there. and the way he rubs her hair out of her eyes. his hard worked hands in contrast to her silky baby skin. just magic.

i love all these little moments we share. even the hard ones. because it's all part of this journey and even when the stubborn part of me tells me it's hard and it hurts, the strong part of me tells me it's love. in it's most raw and real form.



and i love that i have a husband that makes me laugh. when my back gets all tight from stressing myself out and i just need to let go. he knows how to help me do it. and laughing is medicine number one. and shout out to my special friend christy who bought me this necklace. the infinity symbol is our thing. instead of drawing hearts when we write each other letters we do that. love. times infinity.

it was a good day.

and we ended it with zoe learning about babies in bellies. she was curious and gentle about christy's baby and told us that we all have babies in our bellies - even her. and she pulled her shirt up and showed us. and then kept telling christy to make jackson come out because she wanted to meet him. she said that she would be able to kiss him tomorrow, so there's her prediction. we'll see how it pans out.

cheers! to new life and love and being a mom.